As I have grown older I have developed a deep and constant anxiety.
I failed in my main dream of Life – I was going to be a film maker.
I did all the work, went to school – it’s taken me this long to see that perhaps this will not happen.
I’m not poor – I got a good inheritance from my father and mother and I am working it.
I face problems everyday with bills and the security of land and just juggling the estate to look after itself and my mother and my sisters.
It feels like I’ve accomplished nothing on my own.
I am grateful for my life. It’s full of time.
I wake up muttering the ‘Our Father’ everyday, filled with fear and desperation.
What if I lose it all?
So – I don’t want to wake up. Sleep is safer.
And when I’m awake, I don’t want to go to sleep because tomorrow will come.
It’s been a while and I’m afraid it’s poisoning my health. It’s been years.
I have faith.
I trust God.
And yet this is the fear in my life.
I know Jesus was a man and experienced it all.
But he had God. He believed without a doubt because he knew.
I have Faith and Belief – and only Hope that this is the way.
I meditate everyday.
I’m just calling out to God over this.
Breath Joy and freedom and happiness back into my life.
Secure me for the time ahead – I’m too old to start working – I wouldn’t be hired anyway.
So. Give me some purpose… Some reason to be here everyday.
Look at my enthusiasm for life.