And I had no idea.
I thought I could leap buildings in a single bound.
This year I’ve spent a lot of time with myself and I’m not liking it. Strange eh? I’m looking over my stuff and checking my thoughts and I’ve discovered that more than one in four are negative.
That’s eighty percent of my waking time.
I am aware of goals I haven’t met. I am aware of other people and where they are in relation to where I am, FAR more than I have ever been.
Actually, for the FIRST time really…I’ve never looked at myself that way, it’s un-nerving and upsetting.
My biggest lesson for me this year has to be looking after myself in all ways.
I can’t stand away from the fact that I am where I am because of the choices I made. And where I am is lonely. Never thought I would be.
Perhaps I’ve been too picky? Perhaps my stuff isn’t in order – actually I KNOW my stuff isn’t in order, as soon as I meet anyone, I’m pushing for my space, desperate to be independent – of thought, of action…looking at it, I’m afraid that I’m not good enough and utterly petrified of rejection.
So I’ve started looking at how I see MYSELF…and it’s not good. I am shocked at where I am. I am a fun-loving, easy-going, hard-working, funny guy. At least I was the last time I checked.
Thing is, last time was a while ago, and I haven’t been checking that often. So when I realised (and am still realising) that I’m unhappy, it came as a shock.
I’m not exercising – I used to run 10kms a week. I’m not playing Tennis (the love of my life). And now, shock horror, I’m afraid to write (that’s just the last two days though!)
I’m forcing this one out! I feel incapable of stringing words together and everything I am focussed on, has to do with me – in that cloying, self-centered kind of way that I find entirely abhorrent!
I’m not liking myself right now, and I’m looking for a way out.
Postaday doesn’t allow me to sit back and take in the full scope of things so I’m locked to working it out everyday, day-in, day-out. I’ve NEVER been with myself this way before and yes, I am learning a lot, but no, it’s not always fun.
I’ve discovered that my postaday2011 blog really is a personal diary, made public. I don’t mind that at all, but my goodness, some days are just horrendous.
Enough of this. I’m off for chocolate ice-cream.
At least the walk is a pleasant one.
-visit my poetry blog – Tomatos, Oranges and Other Fruit-
♦photo – 123rf.com♦