Well this lot look like they’re having fun anyway.
I’m slowly emerging from a daaaark place…lord knows how I got there.
I was motoring along quite happily, and then I wrote a very good poem (don’t worry, I’m not flattering myself…I just looked at it again) last week which kind of forced it’s way out, literally.
I’ve figured out that success can be my worst enemy.
This week has been horrendous. Everything I put down on paper reeked of ‘me’, the worst kind of creativity, unless you have recevied something that allows it to reflect other peoples lives – very difficult to do because it’s like offering yourself, your experience, for others.
You can’t judge it, you can’t force it, but sometimes deeply personal poetry can soar.
Often though (and this is what happened to me), it is painful, self absorbed driville that assumes that I am the only person alive.
Now, before postaday, this would just have been a phase, and put away, and returned to later.
But, here I am, taking the whole thing very seriously, so seriously that not getting a poem had me groaning in agony.
Really, writhing and doubled over, grunting and promising life, things I couldn’t possible accomplish…I’ll clean the apartment, I’ll give more generously, I’ll stop looking at dirty pictures (favorite passtime, sorry – computer love essential…though perhaps if I looked at THAT, I may find that it’s contributed to my lonliness and self esteem issues…but more on that later…and possibly too much information!), I’ll be more positive.
Anyway, the words that I got today I was a little happier with, although they’re still in a mess, so no poem today, but possibly tomorrow.
Why is this all so important?
I really don’t know, its surprised me. I am very aware of ‘being read’, now, something very new.
And I have noticed that once I became aware, I became afraid, self-consious, pretentious.
I can’t stand putting stuff out there that I, myself, am suspicious of, something I learned with a poem I wrote in January.
So I AM learning.
On the other hand, muse or not, one can ALWAYS write. It takes courage to write everyday, come what may, and to struggle to do so meaningfully, and my respect for those who are doing so (writing, making photographs, drawing pictures, making art…) has increased exponentially.
So I’m going to give letting go, a go. I am going to try and stick to trying to post a poem a day, whatever it may be, and standing by me.
Who cares what my blog looks like (but I do!…I say, hoping up and down like a manic…)
Having said that, I’ve just argued with one of my sisters about another of my sisters, and then realised that this is a late post.
Nevermind…I’ve enjoyed rambling today. If I’m off topic, forgive…I’m on the phone and can’t be bothered to one scroll over what I’ve written!
If my Australian friend is reading this…a big hello, missed the tennis again, have more than a hunred messages in my inbox…culling them slowly, I WILL prevail!
As for my muse…disregard the entire post, I’ve given it notice.