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Day two: Beautiful things

25 Feb

I didn’t go out last night.
Too tired, and when I got home, I couldn’t get off the couch.
I thought about why I had wanted to go out so much, why I felt trapped by giving it up, and how good I felt in the morning that I didn’t go out.
I thought about how fickle it was.
The bar will be there tomorrow.
My friends will be there tomorrow.
This last one – my friends – perhaps not. Perhaps they won’t be there tomorrow.
Who are my friends?
Do I have any friends?
I remember ‘friends’ being a really important thing.
I had good friends in high-school, better ones in college.
Now I have people I see at work, and those I see at the bar, and my cousins, and my family and my boyfriend.
I don’t have friends, I don’t think.
Friends get married, and drive bigger cars than I do. They have intelligent things to talk about and have places they are going.
Friends become lawyers and doctors and ministers.
They become big people.
It sort of interupts things.

Today I had to look at beautiful things.
So I noticed that stereo sound is beautiful. That some images are beautiful. Ha…that my television is beautiful, and I do mean the television itself! Someone thought about how it looks sitting on flat surfaces, whether glossy or matt, the proportion of border to screen.
I looked an an orchid today, looked at my boyfriend, watched a series on people who give their money away and I recognised that I really don’t understand beauty.

For me beautiful is a deed. As these millionaires were giving away their money and changing peoples lives, I thought that was beautiful and I cried.

The only other thing I think is beautiful is a well designed car.

Oh, and architecture.

Todays look at beauty around me is what had me signed up to the hundred days of prayer in the first place. The lady had said that most of us are too busy or too hurt to notice the things that are put into our day – beautiful things – to lift us up.

Although I wasn’t lifted by the beauty around me, I will concede; the orchid WAS beautiful.

I’m liking that everyday I have something to think about that intrudes on my life, that I’m getting to stop and ponder something outside of my own feeling and emotions, that I’m recognising that most of the day I’m driven from thought to thought with no real idea why I’m having these thoughts and why I’m doing, the things I do.

I watched a woman look into a mirror and say to herself that she was beautiful, even though she’d had a masectomy and not gone for reconstructive surgery.

I’m thinking that perhaps that beautiful little thing could be me.

Am I a beautiful little thing?

What did Jesus think about beauty? You know – not ‘The Beauty Of It All’, just – I son’t know – what were beautiful things to him? Objects, things, the images around him. This as a man, as a human being, not as God.

What kind of carpentry did he make?

Day three and I’m wondering why I’m following him into the desert.

I think it’s the desert I’m going – I realise in shock that I don’t really know what lent is – thought it was the time Jesus spent 40 days in the desert BUT how can this be if actually, he’s going to be crucified in 40 days?

These posts are longer than I anticipated. I’m having fun being different from the people around me. I’m having fun creating my experience.

Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name;
make known his deeds among the peoples!
Sing to him, sing praises to him;
tell of all his wondrous works! —Psalm 105:1-2

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2 Comments

Posted by on February 25, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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2 responses to “Day two: Beautiful things

  1. Paula Tohline Calhoun

    February 26, 2012 at 05:01

    Dear Kenny:

    Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. It’s a beautiful word, isn’t it? I remember one day thanking God for making this beautiful natural world for my own – for all our pleasure – and then it dawned on me: While we are allowed to enjoy it, and are to care for it, God made the world for God’s pleasure! God called it “good” long before we came along!

    So when I contemplate the beauty around me – and there is so much! – I am mesmerized by the thought that I have been allowed to see and appreciate that which God appreciates! Amazing, isn’t it?

    I have the most problems in finding beauty in myself. While I can accept on an intellectual level that God finds me beautiful, I have not been able to feel it at all. I do make an effort, but I am beginning to wonder if I ever will. It is a dream of mine to look in the mirror and not perceive only ugliness and sin, but to look in the mirror and see a beautiful and forgiven woman. Like I said, on an intellectual level I know I am forgiven, but feeling that and forgiving myself – now that would be a beautiful thing. Maybe it’s something that I will search for on our journey! In the meantime, stop wondering if you have friends. I am one.

    Happy traveling.
    I wish you enough. . .
    Paula

     
  2. kolembo

    February 26, 2012 at 22:57

    Hi Paula,

    I have a smile on my face. I’m in bed writing from my phone, I had a long day, got and in wrote my day three post….and it disappeared!

    I’m so frustrated, I’ve closed my laptop and gone off in a huff!

    I’m confronting that ‘intellectual’ versus ‘really feel it thing’ myself. Good to know that I’m lovely but do I get it?

    I hate even thinking that way, it makes me feel horrid, I’d much rather focus on someone else, find out how they anre doing, what’s going on with them.

    I don’t like that thing people say – you can’t love others if you don’t love yourself – it sounds soooo…I don’t know how to wear it!

    I mean, did Jesus think he was beautiful? What did he mean to himself?

    I’m going to sulk a little longer (doesn’t the internet KNOW I need to make this post?! It’s so un-fair, can’t anything just go right for once? I’m so tired of begging life to just be good to me!)….then I’ll get up and do a whole new post.

    Ahhh. You know, I went to three different services today – didn’t get anything…very frustrating! Expecting windfalls and breakthroughs everyday! Haha. Oh well, still, I’m thinking everyday.

     

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