I am tired.
I am irritated.
Yesterday I went to three different church services. Didn’t get anything at all, left the third one early.
I was supposed to be thinking about thanking the people who love me.
Went through the usual list – my mum, my sisters, my boyfriend.
Ok…they love me.
I really don’t get the feeling though, why it’s so important.
Thought about my Dad a lot, hoped that I had told him I love him well enough before he died.
We didn’t really speak. I don’t think we liked each other a lot – or maybe there was just this huge, yawning distance that we didn’t cover while we had the time.
I was afraid of him, and when I told him I was gay, he became afraid of me.
Got me thinking how we expect things from life.
How when things go different we are trapped in disappointment.
He was a good man, provided well, and I know he loved me.
My mum too, although now she forgets things and gets angry.
My sisters? I don’t know…they fight a lot. There’s always shouting around them. I feel like I’m walking egg shells, and it tires me out.
Still, their always there when stuff gets difficult, like health, or a fight with someone bigger than me.
Friends grow up and become doctors and ministers and drive big cars.
Still, I have one friend, a girl called Rhoda, who I’ve known all my life. Who makes me feel important and human.
I am wondering whether Jesus knew he was loved? After all, he was surrounded by groupies!
But really, was he ‘thankful’ for the people who loved him?
Did Jesus love himself?
You know, that whole thing – you can’t love unless you can love yourself – where in the bible are there examples of that?
I’m in the desert, day three, irritated already, and I want to know – Jesus so easy to say things like ‘love your neighbor as you love yourself’ – and preparing to have himself killed – I want to know, did he love himself?
“How good and holy pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!” (Psalm 133:1)