Day five: Who am I?

28 Feb

Strange day.

Been irritated.

Went into the office and retrieved the work I’d lost. Was very irritated with my editor. I tried to focus on todays meditation – thankful for what makes me, but man, it was difficult.

I have this thing now that I’m dealing with – like What on earth am I doing?! What do I want?

I feel a little fake.

Anyway, I wasn’t able to go like – I’m thankful I’m Kenyan, male, gay, like that…

I’m thankful I’m not poor but I’d love to be a lot richer. Money isn’t everything right?

I’d love to be more confident, I’d love to be charismatic, I’d love to be extraordinarily talented in something.

I like my frame…tall and slim. I’ve never looked at my face hard enough to know it…if I was approached by myself I’d walk on by.

Was Jesus an Arab?

What did he look like?

Was he muscular? good-looking? Did he have any defects? A big nose?

Did he smell, go to the toilet, pick his nose?

What were his parents like? At least Mary? Was he defined by where he was born and to whom, like the rest of us?

Was he thankful to God for being Jesus? Anything in the bible on that one?

I am thankful for who I am – but I’m looking at it in the sense of character and personality – the things you work on, the habits you make.

Are you born a ‘good’ person? A ‘generous’ one?

How much of who I am, am I responsible for?

Questions today eh?

One thing I am grateful for is my health. That’s new. Once when I was younger I remember being in a church service that was focussed around being grateful for health and I didn’t get it.

I do now.

Health is everything.

With health, you can live again, do again, re-do, un-do, erase and start again, with health everyday can be a new day.

Right now I’m sitting in silence around a camp fire, watching the light flicker off the face of Jesus. He looks moody. Contemplative. I want to play that game with him – three things he likes about me, three things he doesn’t.

I formulate three things I like about him.

That he is gentle.
That he is honest.
That he is knowledgeable about a lot of things.

I formulate three things I dislike.

That he asks so much of me.
That he doesn’t use his power more often.
That there are so many people around him all the time.

I don’t know how to love him – this man – or why I want to. He’s told me I have a purpose, a reason to live. He’s the only one who’s told me this.

I have a reason to live.

“Before I formed you in your mother’s womb, I knew you… (Jeremiah 1:5)


Posted by on February 28, 2012 in Uncategorized


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3 responses to “Day five: Who am I?

  1. Paula Tohline Calhoun

    February 29, 2012 at 06:58

    “Thank God for Creating Yourself.” Oh! Now we get the hard ones – we are at the nitty-gritty – where the rubber meets the road, so to speak!

    I sense we both have a hard time with tis one – in a way. You see I really do thank God for creating me. It’s just that I abhor what I have done with God’s creation.

    I am very grateful for the health I have now. I have been so near to losing my life, that I am grateful to be alive; yet still I beat myself up because I don’t feel I have lived the life that i should.

    The three questions I might ask Jesus were I to see him face-to-face. Every time I speak with him, and I ask him different things. But after the poem I wrote for today’s Muse Day Tuesday, the questions on my mind are Jesus’ questions of Peter: “Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me?” The thing is, I really do know that he does and always has, always will. It’s just sometimes I want to really feel his arms around me. I want to feel his heart beating against mine. I want the odor of his cloak on my skin, I want to touch the sandals, wash the feet. I want to feel the knowledge – that he will never let me go.

    We shall keep on walking. we shall keep on growing. we shall keep on. . .

    Love, and enough. . .

    • kolembo

      February 29, 2012 at 10:30

      Ah, the love of God, the love for Jesus…yeah, yet we are loving him through history.

      What might I have been like if I’d been right there?

      I didn’t know you’d been close to death although I have seen your battle with health on some of your posts.

      I’m sure you’ve done preciesly with your life as you could do given the choices you faced!

      But yes, sometimes I wonder, if I had been more fearless at certain points, would things have turned out different?

      Sometimes I cringe when I look back, but I’m trying to let the past lie, the future be, and act without fear in the present.

      sending you african sunshine – it’s baking!

  2. kreemer

    February 24, 2017 at 13:08

    So some things are different and some remain the same.
    I recognise this one…. This feeling of irritation.
    I start something you know, yuge, inspired… And never really finish it.

    I’ve feel very confident this week. Very sexy. The keyboard wants to write ‘seedy.’

    I am quietly happy here. I have enough. Imagine, I have enough. So would have thought it.

    And so now I’m afraid that I will loose it all and go back to not having enough. To being in lack.

    But actually. Right now? I am happy.


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