Day six: Thanking the crosses I carry?!

29 Feb


It gets more difficult.

I’m to look at the croses I carry and love them.

When asked to look at my crosses, I immediately denied having any.

Me…the one who complains. I’m gay…no-one understands me. I’m black…we’re oppressed. I’m poor…what did I do to deserve this?

My self thoughts are always most shrill when things are going wrong.

And then when they’re not, I turn to God in gratitude.

Well, I have many crosses. And I sometimes feel like I’m collapsing under their weight.

Furthur, I have to admit that I DO NOT feel gratitude towards those things that I blame for my life not being perfect.

However, I’m sitting in my living room, perparing to watch Tintin, with my sisters and my boyfriend and we’re happy.

And I’ve asked, what THEY think that I carry around like a burden that I really should be grateful for. One calls out, ‘Daddy!’.

There’s an oooo….

The other calls out ‘…your ADHD!’

There’s an ahhhhhh!

The first one finds something else…..’…that you’re the first born!’

Then Gay comes up. One agrees, the other does not. The one who does not is acknowledging my courageous attempt to live my life despite, and through it. The other is pointing out that it comes up enough times for it to be clear that I have had to wrestle with it.

Right now I am aware of just this.

If God made these crosses that I carry, especially for me so that I can find a way to fulfillment, then I am thankful. Truly.

Can I ask that occassionaly I am shown the path? That I may be sure of the way?

And can I ask that the burdens not be so heavy that I cannot manage?

I am tired of fighting life.

I’d like to just see what I have to do, and fight FOR it.

I am watching Jesus by tonight’s camp-fire, and I see in his eyes this question; would YOU take this cup from my lips?

Can YOU drink from this chalice?

“The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me; to one who orders his way rightly I will show the salvation of God!” (Psalm 50:23)


Posted by on February 29, 2012 in Uncategorized


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6 responses to “Day six: Thanking the crosses I carry?!

  1. Paula Tohline Calhoun

    March 1, 2012 at 05:55

    Oh, my! Gratitude for crosses! I am thankful my crosses are designed by God to be what I am able to bear. Even though it doesn’t always feel that way. I am grateful that because I shoulder my crosses, my strength in faith grows daily! That also makes me able to bear heavier loads, but not matter! When the ultimate goal is to walk with our Lord, then I want to be able to be strong enough to at least keep up somewhat!

    I never think about bearing crosses without thinking of Simon of Cyrene. I started a short story about him last year. I think I will go back to it and work on it some more. What a day he had; it is something I try to picture in my mind, but find that he was called to a task that seems overwhelming. One thing that I think of when I think of him is that sometimes our crosses are thrust upon us not by God, but by others. It is most often our choice to accept that cross or not (Simon probably didn’t have a lot of choice). We sometimes have to discern if it is something we should accept or reject. The God-given opportunities are another story. They are meant for our growth, and I want to accept them without grumbling! LOL

    How has your walk been today? Mine has been good, and steady, but I am tired and will rest in God’s arms for a while, I think I’ll sing a hymn as i go to sleep.

    Keep on walkin’

    • kolembo

      March 1, 2012 at 09:39

      What was Simon’s story?

      i used to be someone who says yes to everything just to avoid confrontation or be seen as mean.

      It doesn’t work!

      Say yes to things that may challenge you is a great way to grow, but I am responsible for everything I say yes too!

      Learning to say yes only when I want to, and then follow that yes to its conclusion.

      Have a good day…it’s about being thankful for EVERYTHING, the WHOLE day!

      • Paula Tohline Calhoun

        March 1, 2012 at 18:01

        I think it is easier to follow through on the “yes” answers than to the “no”s. Of course that is speaking as a parent. We learned early on that you only say No when you are willing to back it up! If you are not going to follow through, but give in to the whining, then don’t say no in the first place! That accomplishes two things: It teaches your kids that No means No, and it teaches you to think before you answer!

        I guess you could say the same goes for crosses. But seeing the yes through is probably equally as important, you are right. It reminds me of the parable of the two sons. – Matthew 21:28-32 I think sometimes I, regrettably, find myself saying yes and not following through. . .hmmm. Must have some repenting to do. . .as usual!

        See you tonight! (my time!) BTW – do you imagine me or picture me walking beside you during the day? I see you – at least my idea of you laughing with me as we walk. It’s a nice thing. . . Stay well, choose happiness, and be joyful – Again I will say, Rejoice! 😆


      • kolembo

        March 1, 2012 at 21:20

        You have me grinning…repenting to do!

        I see you two different ways at the moment;

        the first, very much likeyou do, together, walking and laughing, in loose white clothing. We’re not carrying anything though, and though we’re in the desert, it’s hard to discern the environment. lots of sand and blue

        the second, at night around the camp fire, with ‘the man’!

  2. kreemer

    February 25, 2017 at 08:39

    The crosses that I carry. Always this ‘Gay’ thing.
    Clearly carried forever.
    Drop it Kenneth.
    Tired, old and it’s heavy.
    Infact this week you’ve been thoroughly enjoying it… And then wondering whether THAT’S right.

    Crosses? I have none. I could call them crosses but I foresee a time, far in the future, when death caresses my forehead, suddenly all those crosses become the things I wish for!

    The only cross I find hard to bare is pain. Although pain can be psychological.

    I’m a little bored, Day Six, my discipline is not there. Gosh. To feel as deeply as I used too? Does life make us dull?


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