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Day eight: Loving conversations all day???!

02 Mar

Lordy, today was a shocker.

My conversation is horrendous!

OK, if anything goes wrong…which in MY mind is all the time, I formulate stuff in my head – the way things SHOULD have gone, what I WOULD have said!

I don’t do OR say these things but that’s what my conversation does to protect myself.

But this one is confusing.

If I don’t say what I want because I know the situation can be handled differently, does this make me a lier?

Or a considerate person?

I try to MEAN what I say, when I SAY it, always, BUT I don’t ALWAYS choose to say what I WANT to say.

I am terrible with myself.

I discover, to my horror, that my self conversation is not born of CONFIDENCE.

Rather, comes from FEAR, and from a deep seated notion that I’M A FAILURE, I’m not GOOD ENOUGH.

Shocking.

And so I am always looking for approval, I am always looking for a chance to feel respected, or admired EVEN THOUGH these things really don’t mean anything at all for me.

Furthur, am I ever LISTENING if I’m talking to myself so much?

I am horrified, and as I watch Jesus eat corn around the fire – corn we found at the right time like he said we would because we’re out of food – calm and smiling, I’m wondering how he deals with me at all.

Am I helping HIM? CAN I?

It’s always me, me, me. Love ME, show ME, heal, ME.

I am thankful that most times (I think), my converstation is at least honest. Then again, even that. Is it?

I can rule my conversation. I must be responsible for it. My conversation can…no MUST be led by spirit.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29-32)

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4 Comments

Posted by on March 2, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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4 responses to “Day eight: Loving conversations all day???!

  1. Paula Tohline Calhoun

    March 3, 2012 at 22:29

    A little late in responding to this daily meditation – but I was thinking about it all day! I did mention you and our walk yesterday, I led the devotion (Hubs and I do the first Friday of every month) at “The Open Door,” an ecumenical ministry to the homeless that offers all sorts of services including a place to sleep at night, food, and clothing, necessary medical care when needed, and a mid-day meal is offered every day. It’s a great place, and it was our church that started it, but it has become a interdenominational ministry. Anyway, the topic I used was, guess what? “An attitude of gratitude!” Couldn’t help it, what with our meditations of the last several days, and I told them a bit about our covenant.

    Loving conversations. . .all day. And every day, too, I hope. I do not accomplish this, but I am learning, slowly to stop and think before I open my mouth, so I am getting better. My Mom always told me, “If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all.” Good advice, and she said that you have to mean what you say. Like I said, good advice, but very difficult to accomplish. I think probably the same should go for self-conversation, although I suppose then you and I would never say anything to ourselves. But, there is a saving grace in here. Paul admonishes us to “speak the truth in love.” We are not to lie, and we are obligated to give constructive criticism – as long as it is said in love and with that person’s well-being in mind. That goes for the self-talk, too. We are to treat each other as we wish to be treated, and I think we are to treat ourselves as we wish to be treated – with love and respect.

    Now, that does not mean that the person to whom we are speaking will always accept what we have to say without argument or insult. It is important to choose carefully and wisely what and when we speak the truth to someone, including ourselves. Generally, the person should actually ask for our advice or opinion, by speaking up, or behaving in such a way that it is hurtful or dangerous to themselves or others.

    So, in summary:

    I loved the corn last night! It was good after a long day, and especially wonderful to share it with our Master.

    You are totally undeserving and imperfect. Accept it. We all are. If we weren’t, what would be the reason for Christ’s sacrifice? God’s love and forgiveness for all our undeserved-ness and imperfection is called “GRACE! That’s what it’s for and that’s what it means. Free gift, undeserved, no strings attached. Quit trying to be perfect and start by being grateful for it, for it truly is “the saving Grace!” I’m writing this like I’ve got it all down pat, and act like this all the time. . .far from it! I’m preaching to me a much if not more than I am preaching to you. I believe that God wants us to choose happiness, to find ways and reasons to be happy as often as possible, (because it’s FUN!). and to to be joyful always (because we will always have reason to be – even when we are sad!)

    We must accept that we will make mistakes with our conversations (self or otherwise), that we will unintentionally hurt, and that sometimes – maybe even often – we will not make mistakes. We will hit the mark with love and forgiveness, because we will quit worrying so much and allow the Holy Spirit to speak through us and for us. SO, for our next conversations, maybe we should say a quick prayer, asking the Holy Spirit to guide our thoughts and words, and then just trust that the HS will!

    Oh. . .one more thing. . .I need to listen more and talk a LOT less! 😆 Basically, as a rule I should just keep my mouth shut!

    See you tonight. . . hold a place at the fire for me.

    Paula

     
    • Paula Tohline Calhoun

      March 3, 2012 at 22:31

      P.S. My eldest brother had a sign on his wall when he was a teenager: “Make sure brain is in gear before putting mouth into motion.” 😆

       
      • kolembo

        March 4, 2012 at 00:18

        Hahahah! Just found this! Ahhhh….my mouth tends to free coast. Stick-shift driver speak.

         
    • kolembo

      March 4, 2012 at 00:16

      Love reading your replies!

      Was just off to bed and thought I’d check in. Thanks, that story of your work at the shelter has given me a few images to construct my dreams around tonight.

      yeah, I do that….take thoughts and images to bed with me and attempt to ‘dream’ them.

      sometimes it works!

      Ahhh, yes. Grace.

      Also, I learned today to address myself with respect. I know you get me when I complain about this process being so introspective, it clashes with my innate need to be busy with others and not myself.

      I feel petty and selfish!

      But this time, I also deeply feel it’s ok…actually, profoundly ‘just at the right time!’

      I’m easing into the rhythm, I wake up to the reading, go about my day, write my post and read your comments.

      I am aware very much, of learning, and of sharing.

      I’m loving all the fussing we are doing over the man we are accompanying.

      I can’t help looking ahead…wondering what happens when…when….

      feeling like his friends must have felt back then.

      I’ll see you tomorrow, and give hubby a hug!

       

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