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Day thirteen: I AM GOD – being thankful for speech that does not boast

07 Mar

I meditate with a group of people called the Brahma Kumaris.

They are strong in the way they provide space to find God, however, they believe that they are in the last stages of this life, and are in the process of becoming Dieties. Highly elevated beings, worthy of worship.

Everything you do, counts.

You can change your destiny if you make effort.

It’s admirable because it puts responsiblity for your life squarely in your hands.

There is no mercy here. No-one dies for you. Forgiveness is nothing more than being detached.

I cannot find it withnin myself to believe that everything that happens to peopel is ‘their fault’, that I am not accountable to anyone but myself.

In conversation, being boastful gives me alot of problems.

I always boast in some way or another. I want people to recognise how clever I am, or how much I’ve done, or who I know.

I think it comes from not feeling ‘good enough’.

It makes me feel sick immediately.

Most times, it’s because there’s a lie in there somewhere.

When there isn’t, I feel bad because what I’m boasting about doesn’t need to be boasted about. Also, I am aware almost immediately, that I have closed a door on the person I’m boasting to. In being ‘better than them’ they become ‘less than’ – and they hush up, they close down.

I loose.

I spent another day infront of the computer, playing games.

I don’t feel like making choices, don’t feel like figuring out what I’m going to do about this or that.

I noticed that I didn’t spend time with my boyfriend even though he was on the couch with me the whole day.

At some point I remember thinking that I should turn the machine off and give him some time.

I also remember feeling ‘…I’m not his keeper, he’s old enough to find something to do, his questions are irritating me, I’m not responsible.’

Awful.

I’m quiet again today, watching the rest of them crowd around Jesus. I want to be there but I can’t move my feet.

What about me? You’re going to die and go to heaven and leave me here.

Why would God love me? Why would God help me? I am only one of many billion humans, one of an infinty of life…why would he be interested in Kenneth Olembo?

Besides, my feet are blistered, we haven’t had anything but bread in days and I really want to look at some porn. It doesn’t matter afterall – I’m human – we do these things.

I sigh and look again through the dust at this man I’m trying to love. The people around him think that he’s going to come down off the cross. They think that he’s going to take Rome down and distribute the wealth.

They don’t know that he’s going to leave us to our faith.

Do I have faith?

Will he deal with my bank account? Watch my health? Forgive my wrong? Feed my family? Protect my property?

Will he be there when I need him? How will I know?

Do I love him, or just what he promises for my life?

“If you have been foolish, exalting yourself … put your hand on your mouth.” (Proverbs 30: 32)

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2 Comments

Posted by on March 7, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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2 responses to “Day thirteen: I AM GOD – being thankful for speech that does not boast

  1. Paula Tohline Calhoun

    March 8, 2012 at 07:03

    I feel your pain. But read this:

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” (Written by Marianne Williamson)

    In other words, Kenny, there is boasting and there is boasting. You understand that it all has to do with attitude, right? You missed it tonight but I saw Jesus watching you. I saw Jesus loving you. He has already told us that he going to die so that he can return in a more powerful way – so that he can be with each of us always, and at all times. We have only to invite him. I do not know how God will work this out, but I cannot look back on my life without seeing God’s hand all over it, therefore I cannot look ahead without seeing the presence of God in my future.

    Remember, faith is not self-generated. Faith is also a gift – just like Grace. Relax, accept it. We don’t deserve it. That’s the way we are. But the way God is? God is LOVE. And that is something that we can boast about! ” Behold what manner of love the Father has give unto us – that we should be called the children of God!”

    Love you, Kenny.
    Soak your feet, have an extra piece of bread, maybe some fish from the Galilee with it, and please sit by me tomorrow night at the campfire – right next to Jesus.

     
    • kolembo

      March 8, 2012 at 09:05

      Hi Paula,

      Yes, I was sulking last night. just tired.

      I think I haven’t looked at myself in a long time.

      My self esteem is in pretty bad shape.

      Or maybe I’m telling myself that so I can be lazy!

      Anyway, I just figured out that the lady who does the meditations is a Catholic Prof.

      She picks the strangest versus!

      See you tonight.

       

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