Day Eighteen – On forgiving Authority! Pt.1

13 Mar

It’s 1am in the morning and I’ve just read this.

I think I missed a day! Or almost. or something. I’ve been meditating on forgiveness in general today. It’s only now I understand why it wasn’t focussed – I hadn’t read the meditation!

I’ll take it to bed and hope that isn’t cheating.

Wait…what does that mean about tomorrows meditation?! I’ll have to accomplish this meditation in bad, then finish it in the morning, before I read the next one.

I feel as though I’m not spending enough time with the people in question (i.e friends, family, authority…) that I need to, in order to fulfill the days missions.

Ahhhhh….this would be a good day for a post from Paula….I think I wandered off into a cave somewhere and they’ve all moved on!

Authority. I don’t like authority.

I’m already having a problem following these meditations. This lady…Rhonda…it’s like she’s a paragon of contritness.

If I get any tighter I’m gonna suffocate!

Priests have a mighty hard time…catholics especially. It’s all code. Abide by this. Abide by that.

The Nuns at the Brahma Kumaris are the same. They wear white and if you’re not wearing white you soon begin to feel like you should be. The amount of washing….

I pretty much own my time. I like to think that it’s a good thing, but I really, I don’t have the disciplice for work I’m now too old to find it.

Is that a good thing?

I resent authority an yet, when I’m on set, I expect things to go the way I say.

What is authority? Power?

God has authority over my life.

What does THAT mean?

I surrender my decisions to God. Is that because it’s easier?

How much authority over my own life do I have?

How do i exercise it?

Can I choose to die?

This thing with a newer view – I see it coming – where we deciede when we die, and have someone help us do so that wrong?

Is suicide wrong? And whether it is or not, do we have a right to govern that authority over others?

We’re in the desert proper, the shore has disappeared, it’s brown and dusyt all round, horizon un-ending in every direction.

There are few of us remaining and food is not available.

Does this Jesus exercise authority over food?

Can he just create bread, or does life itself submit to the authority of Physics?

What about all the healing?

What about lazarus?

When my boyfriends Nephew died, his sisters church people prayed over the body and demanded that God return life to the boy.

Would I demand the same for my sister? My brother? My father?

When the time comes, would I demand it for my lover?

When I say God has authority over my life, do I have the right to say I asked and did not receive?

My experience is this – I have always had what I’ve needed, when I need it.

I have prayed in the past and received, quite quickly, what I saw was an answer.

I have also prayed and received what I feel to be stone cold silence.

Through it all, I have believed.

Whether or not it makes sense, I have faith and I believe.

Would I still believe in Jail? Under torture?

If it were shown to be, that God was just life in action – no personality to speak of – if everything was just it AS IT IS, and God, just the Generator, Operator and Destroyer of it all – would I have failed myself by living in faith?

I am lost in thought on this one – these questions – about how alive god is in my life, how real he is.

The responsibilty of maintaining my family has gotten so heavy, and I just don’t see how it’s going to work out.

Over Christmas I was ‘told’ that this year I am going to feel the power of my God in my life.

I believe it.

But gracious me…living in faith is a certain kind of madness.


Posted by on March 13, 2012 in Uncategorized


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5 responses to “Day Eighteen – On forgiving Authority! Pt.1

  1. Paula Tohline Calhoun

    March 13, 2012 at 05:40

    Oh my! Forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness…ad infinitum. Seventy times seven. That is not a number, it is a concept. Forgiveness has no boundaries, because it is a gift we give ourselves. It was God’s idea of a way we can bring joy into our lives. And yet we find it hard to do. Why?

    There is a wonderful story that Corrie Ten Boom tells of one of her post-war experiences. She was a Dutch Christian who helped hide Jews during the war. She and her sister were discovered and sent to a concentration camp. They were tortured and suffered greatly,and her sister died as a result. Corrie held fast to her faith and was a powerful witness for Christ throughout her life.

    She wrote and spoke extensively after the war about her experiences, and told of the power of faith. At one of those talks she was in Germany and after the talk she greeted the people in the audience if they wanted to speak with her and/or shake her hand. Standing in line to greet her after the speech she recognized one of the men as the Nazi guard who had treated the prisoners so badly, and was largely responsible for her dear sister’s death. She trembled, because she felt hatred well up within at the same time that she felt the mandate from God to forgive this man. She stopped and prayed silently. “Lord, I cannot do it. I know it is what must be done but I don!t know how I can. If you truly wish me to forgive him, you will have to do it for and through me. When the man reached her, they looked into one another!s eyes. She felt her hand rise to take his into hers, and was flooded with an overwhelming sense of love, peace, and true forgiveness.

    She knew that she was at last free to let the pain go, and to share unconditional love with everyone. And she recognized that the power to forgive comes from God, and not by our our own. Forgiveness is a God thing. How sweet it is.

    Have you ever felt the need to forgive God? Sometimes I do. I feel I need to forgive God for not revealing the answers to all my questions. God always graciously accepts it! 😆

    The fact remains that God will always be unknowable in full, at least this side of heaven. For that I am grateful, because if I were able to understand God, then my God would be far too small. God cannot be explained, defined completely, nor put in a neat
    box. The best way that I can describe or define God is to understand God as unsearchable and amazing Grace, and unending overpowering Love. I don’t think I will ever be able to understand it but I am eternally grateful fortitude. I am nothing apart from God.

    • Paula Tohline Calhoun

      March 13, 2012 at 05:43

      That last line should read “and for it I am eternally grateful.”


      • kolembo

        March 13, 2012 at 10:53

        Hahaha! 😀

    • kolembo

      March 13, 2012 at 10:52

      ‘I am nothing apart from God.’

      Powerful statement. I loved the way you wrote the story about the lady – I could feel the moment, and feel the freedom.

      I had forgotten that we don’t have to forgive, all on our own, that we can call on God for help.


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