I had a strange conversation a few minutes ago.
I wasn’t even paying attention to what I was saying.
I heard myself asking if I was doing alright, if I was doing all I could do, if everything was ok with how I was being.
I was asking for affirmation…and I got it.
Todays meditation was on ‘loving affirmation’.
I pay people compliments whenever I can, but often this is designed to keep me on their ‘good side.’
When I was little, I sent my mum a very nice note (at least, I thought it was nice…) and she told me the next day that ‘…flattery won’t get you anywhere.’
I was so upset, I went upstairs when she was out, found that letter and tore it up.
I still remember it today – one of the few things that I remember.
I knew right then, that I had done wrong. I knew how she would feel at the loss of that innocent, irreplacable, childhood letter, I had been vindivctive and horrid and lashed out in a most severe way at a truth that had been pointed out. And yeah, it’s true.
False affection is as much a lie, perhaps worse, than an outright lie.
I find that telling someone who I do not necessarily like, that they have done something well, or that they look good today, very difficult.
And yet, I notice immediately, when these things would make a difference to someone’s life.
And these simple affirmations do make a difference.
Delivered honestly, and with love, and depite the ‘situation at the moment’ these things allow others a moment of peace, to be themselves and feel ok, feel suitably equiped for the of the moment.
They can make me feel well, when I feel tired.
I’ve sinned a great deal since Easter, and sinned willfully.
The deal is – I wasn’t going to be a Saint forever – it wasn’t part of the deal.
And I receive the gentle affirmation that everything is OK, as long as I’m trying to do my best in every situation, as long as I’m attempting to elevate my thoughts when revenge or hurt is more pleasureful, the subtle reminder that I am not Jesus, and that anyway – what would I know of Sin.
Certain things in my life remain very difficult. There are massive changes taking place – or that SHOULD be taking place that will affect my life and the lives of my family for the rest of the time we are alive.
One of those changes that alters everything, clear as night and day, and the period has been dragging on for so long I’m exhausted.
I carry on, wondering just where I’m finding it, to keep moving, to keep holding on.
I see you giving it all you’ve got Kenneth, and you’re being a great help to those around. You are changing lives.
You are growing a garden.
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: if one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)