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Day sixty-one; Generosity and the heart

02 May

Today’s meditation was difficult to really understand.

How was I to see it differently from yesterdays on giving joyfully?

For some reason I’m in a very down mood.

I didn’t sleep well yesterday, and there is no specific reason for it.

My project has officially come to an end – I sign the papers tomorrow.

I was thinking about how I listen to people with problems.

I feel so bad hearing them that I immediately want to do something about it.

Then I’m carrying stuff that I didn’t mean to pick up, or I’m beating myself up for NOT wanting to be involved.

I feel an extreme sense of flux – and I can’t work it out.

I’m a little far from Simon, far from myself…I don’t know…kinda zoned out.

Weird.

Anyway, I did have oppurtunities to practise generosity today, that challenged me.

First, a child came up to me while I was driving and I couldn’t get the my coins in time, so I didn’t give.

I wasn’t happy with the child in the first place, and I thought about that. Something was telling me, that in this instance I was just wanting to give so I could fill my ‘giving’ quota. Still, it wasn’t the childs fault – even though he looked like a ‘professional’.

I was aware that sometimes I don’t give people my time. When I am not present to others, I am not giving them time. I was bored today – restless.

Still, I recognised myself being generous in other ways. It’s a little creepy being so aware of giving. I’m trying not to think about what I’m doing, trying insted to contemplate ‘generosity’ as a concept.

Ahhhhh.

I’m going to give my time to Simon tonight, after this post. No computer, no fiddling, I’ll just sit with him.

He thinks he bores me. Poor thing.

“One gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want.” (Proverbs 11:24)

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2 Comments

Posted by on May 2, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

2 responses to “Day sixty-one; Generosity and the heart

  1. Paula Tohline Calhoun

    May 7, 2012 at 04:32

    Trying to give and then forget the gift is sort of like trying to think of nothing. With me, if I’m not thinking something, then I’m thinking about the fact that I’m not thinking. . .Oh well – the struggle continues. Still I wonder – how many times have we given of ourselves that we do not remember? Perhaps there are loads of gifts out there we gave that we don’t remember giving! I’m just putting a positive spin on a rather prickly subject! 😆

     
    • kolembo

      May 7, 2012 at 09:42

      Yeah, I know. It’s like many of the topics I think. You know being forgiving rather than thinking about it etc.

      What I find has happened is that when the week is done, how I am about the topic has changed slightly. I no longer have to ‘think’ about it, but I’m more aware of myself and others.

      I absolutely HATE thinking about giving though! It feels soooooo…base!

       

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