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Day sixty eight; Life, health and anxiety

12 May

This evening I am thinking about my health.

I have never been seriously ill before but now I’m sure that there is something fundamentally wrong with my body.

I am tired.

So tired.

Tired alot.

Constantly.

I’ve been to a doctor and had the usual tests done – they can’t find anything.

They say I’m fit as a fiddle – perhaps depression?

I know myself, and this body is not mine!

I’ve been praying alot about it, and will go and see some other doctors over the course of the month.

When my Dad died, I could tell that he was sick, but he never said.

I remember I slid in the words ‘I love you’ whenever I could, that I visited my closest uncle and told him that I thought dad was dying.

I wish I had done more. I wish I had had a great relationship with him.

When I found out that my sister had cancer, a year before she died, I knew immediately, that she was dying.

And when my brother also got cancer, I knew too, that he was dying.

I knew these thing, even though I never said. We were being strong.

I wish I had done more.

Loosing these three to death hurts but I know where they are. It’s ok, I’m sure.

What hurts is not loosing them, but loosing the time I had with them while they were around. I wish I had been ready to give more, and ready to be there more and just been more, while they were still around.

This hurts alot.

My mum is past seventy, and now I think about loosing her too.

I think about my remaining sisters, and about Simon.

I think about myself. Have I finished what I came to do? Have I accomplished ANYTHING?

I see funerals, and I see people and I wonder how many will turn out to mourn me.

My deepest wish is that somehow I was successful. Somewhere, I changed a life. Somehow I succeeded in my own.

This week of ANXIETY has been a very quiet one.

All those things that I’m afraid of. All these things that run my life. All this time I waste in fear.

I have felt a deep and unusual calm.

A strange and resounding peace.

 “What else have I in heaven but you? Apart from you I want nothing on earth. My body and my heart faint for joy; God is my possession forever.” Psalm 73

Image – Angels by eduherbosa at Deviant Art

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2 Comments

Posted by on May 12, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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2 responses to “Day sixty eight; Life, health and anxiety

  1. Paula Tohline Calhoun

    May 13, 2012 at 04:49

    It’s my prayer that you haven’t been anxious about my absence from commenting or writing here. I have been here reading and praying – a LOT – but my time to write has been swallowed up by many things.

    Regret over my sins of “omission” plague me more than any other. It’s not that I don’t know that I have been forgiven by God and others, but that I find it so difficult – and in many cases impossible (so far, at least) – to forgive myself. I wish I understood that part of myself better. Because I have failed to learn well enough the lessons that past omissions should have taught me, I condemn myself to repeating my negligence: my failure over and over to not seize every opportunity I am given to be fully present with people – my friends and family, all those that I love. I am the one who is punished by this, and yet I do it again and again. It’s a type of self-centeredness of which I am extremely guilty. I would love to think that I am getting better at “being there” for people, but I am afraid it is still just the same old me. God forgive me, and teach me to forgive myself by moving on and being more mindful!

    I hope you are OK, Kenny. I will be thinking of you and your health especially in the coming days and weeks. It would probably be a good idea for you to share your concerns with your doctor. Since there have been so many cancer-related deaths in your family of late, I think it would be especially wise for a doctor to consider that – not only in terms of your physical health, but also it is important to understand that in terms of your spiritual and emotional health. Body, mind, and spirit are all entwined, and each affects the other. No one aspect of your “total” health is separate from the others. Body – Mind – Spirit. Our “trinity!”

    I am attending with Ashley his 50th Reunion of his Jr. College class this weekend, so I am out of pocket. i brought my laptop with me, but I have not had much time to spend with it. I miss it. . . I miss writing when I don’t do it! Anyway, I wanted to check in to send you my love and greetings. I have circling the campfire each night but have not been able to sit down for long with you. Maybe we can plan some time for the three of us this coming week to have a good talk! You, me, and Jesus.

    XO,
    Paula

     
    • kolembo

      May 13, 2012 at 18:13

      Eh Paula!
      hope your enjoying the 50 year thing with Ashley!
      50 years…jeez!
      you surprise me…you are always there for people, I can tell….just not the way you think you should be – very high standards!
      Ak, sometimes, the laptop can be tossed, writing can be put aside. It’s gonna get you anyway!

       

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