As I was riding into meditation today, my mind was on my finances.
I have just received a check for my work and I’m going down the list of all the things that I needed to do, ticking them off as I get to them.
Bills, check, check, check, glasses – check, car – check…and suddenly I’m running out of money.
I’ve never been financially secure. I own my own time, I do what I want but it means that my life doesn’t run like clockwork. I can’t count on the amounts coming in nor it’s timing so the quality of my life changes seasonally, form boom to bust.
When I was younger, this wasn’t a problem, could always get a loan, or tighten the belt when I needed to.
Now I find that after paying debts and bills for things and services long used, I have very little to go forward with, so I don’t borrow anymore.
I find myself thinking about the security of the future.
This morning I was going to thank God for my life for my blessings, feeling for the moment, able to do whatever I want.
As I came to park the car outside the beautiful lotus leaf building, pssssstttttshhht, a puncture. Again.
I was so irritated! Instantly, out the feelings of gratitude and capability, immediately into – why me?! Should have stayed in bed!
Anyway, I went in, didn’t meditate well, changed the tyre afterward and drove home.
You know, I could have had the puncture on the highway. I could have forgotten to carry my wallet.
I see that so often, I am not prepared for disappointment, and when it comes, it derails my emotions, snap! – like that.
How stable am I in trusting God?
My meetings yesterday went smoothly, the way ahead, though convoluted, looks alright.
Yet – one puncture and I’ll unravel.
It is not a human thing to trust something unseen for your food, your health, your well-being.
And yet I’ll ask and I’ll ask when I’m in need, I’ll blame and blame when I’m without.
I was a little embarrased about how I was being this morning. How do I know I wasn’t being blessed?
God has my trust in everything. And it isn’t a bargain. My life without God has no direction and no meaning.
And I’d prefer I had, at least those, those two