Today I was in a daze of my own.
It’s raining here, heavily, there’s water everywhere, mud, rivulets, trickles, and the sound of it, the sound.
I’m feeling free and loved not by anyone in particular…not by God necessarily…nor by life.
I don’t know why I was born, or when I’ll die.
In my intellectual mind I do not know whether there is life after death, yet, I know precisely where I’m from, and where I’m going.
You see, I think.
And when I follow the simple idea that I have thought, I come to the conclusion that I have ALWAYS had thought…that everyone around me too, has always had thought…that I have existed, exist now, and will exist forever…as will you…and that when I die, ‘I’ will involve everyone that has ever lived, everyone that is alive now and everyone that is going to live in the future.
It invoves this thing called God also…further too, everything I have ever done, am doing now, and will contine to do in future.
I understood this all, whilst watching rain fall, watching a plane take to the sky, watching my boyfriend lounge on a bedouin couch.
I had been thinking about debt, and realising how all my anxiety begins with the notion of debt.
Do I owe anyone money? Do I owe anyone a phone-call? Do I owe apologies?
This week, I ran around and tried to clear all my debts.
Two are outstanding, in that they still play on my mind.
I don’t think I’ll clear them today, or tomorrow.
I don’t think I will EVER clear them.
These two debts were on my mind when suddenly I felt them cleared.
All I had to do was understand that this had been done outside of my own power, to determine that I would never hold debt like this agan, nor hold debt of its kind over anyone else.
I was not to kneel and weep.
It stunned me.
Debt is real, and it is evil, and it has power over life.
Only love can win.