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Day seventy five; The most beautiful thing in the world

23 May

 

 

 

“Behold the lilies of the field, how they grow. They labor not, neither spin. And yet for all that I say unto you, that even Solomon in all his royalty, was not arrayed as these.” (Matthew 6:1)

 

I am the most beautiful thing in the world.

God told me so this morning.

It was quarter to five, it was dark, I was downstairs in the living room sitting on the couch.

I hadn’t slept all night.

I’d fainted in the bath.

And I wanted to play with myself.

 

Yup, wanted to have a few moments to myself. 

I was sitting on the couch, and Simon was upstairs, and I wanted a few moments alone.

I was feeling bad about it.

Like a cheat.

So I just sat there, in the dark.

 

Be, and let others be.

 

God is my lover this morning and I’m afraid I’ve not been good enough.

I have not allowed him to tell me that he loves me.

I have run around and kept him foremost in my mind, I have churned his knowledge, and given charitably and had faith in the future and gone to church.

I have put him before me and thought of his needs and tried to fulfill them and tried to love with all that I have.

 And now I want some time alone.

 

You are the most beautiful thing in the world.

 

I am not listening.

I am thinking about how disingenuous I am.

Thinking about feet and fluids and sex.

 

You are like a flower.

You’re scent is sweet and your laughter, warm like an ocean of puppies.

 

I have taken the chain and I am whipping myself – whipping my back over my shoulder, rhythmically.

I have failed.

I hate myself.

I am not deserving.

 

You are my love.

You are perfect to me.

I love you, here,

Take my love.

 

I am awake now, and I’m saying good-bye to Simon.

He is holding me close.

He has just woken up, and I can smell his hair.

I stand there a long time.

 

Be, and let others be.

 Simplicity of trust. 

 

 

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Posted by on May 23, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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