I hate to admit it.
But I feel something.
I feel little bits of a deep peace, every now and then, at the oddest moments.
Every so often I understand that everything will be alright and that this is the big change I’ve been waiting for. I’ve zoned out the last couple of days, on the internet. I don’t think it’s a good thing necessarily – it’s so fake because you make up the experience that you’re having by choosing what you are looking for and then accessing the places you think you will find it.
I like to argue on Reddit sometimes. It releases something in me – it allows me to air my made-up views over my made-up positions on whatt is happening around me – on Syria, and Tom Cruise and marijuana, and Gay marriage.
I can fight with people who I think are being silly or intolerant or abusive.
I dislike being ‘someone’ else though.
Even on the internet, where i make up the rules of my ‘self’ as I see fit, it’s become impossible to lie outright.
Anyway, in those moments where everything seems like it’s going to be ok, I am aware of myself and my surroundings just as they are. I am aware of time moving, being gone forever.
More and more, I feel a certain energy to do things, because I feel meaning in being able to do things, now.
I hope it lasts and expands.
I am still very much aware of this terrible self conversation I have.
I don’t like it, I’m tired of it, I’m in the process of changing it.
I want to be free of myself – and I will be.
It feels like I’m drinking a love potion.