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Love Potion

06 Jul

 

 

I hate to admit it.
But I feel something.

I feel little bits of a deep peace, every now and then, at the oddest moments.

Every so often I understand that everything will be alright and that this is the big change I’ve been waiting for. I’ve zoned out the last couple of days, on the internet. I don’t think it’s a good thing necessarily – it’s so fake because you make up the experience that you’re having by choosing what you are looking for and then accessing the places you think you will find it.

I like to argue on Reddit sometimes. It releases something in me – it allows me to air my made-up views over my made-up positions on whatt is happening around me – on Syria, and Tom Cruise and marijuana, and Gay marriage.

I can fight with people who I think are being silly or intolerant or abusive.

I dislike being ‘someone’ else though.
Even on the internet, where i make up the rules of my ‘self’ as I see fit, it’s become impossible to lie outright.

Anyway, in those moments where everything seems like it’s going to be ok, I am aware of myself and my surroundings just as they are. I am aware of time moving, being gone forever.

More and more, I feel a certain energy to do things, because I feel meaning in being able to do things, now.

I hope it lasts and expands.
I am still very much aware of this terrible self conversation I have.
I don’t like it, I’m tired of it, I’m in the process of changing it.
I want to be free of myself – and I will be.

It feels like I’m drinking a love potion.

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5 Comments

Posted by on July 6, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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5 responses to “Love Potion

  1. makeacrane

    July 7, 2012 at 01:43

    This sounds just like the idea of impermanence in Buddhism (realizing that all we have is the present moment, so to live in it)! Also like the ancient Japanese notion of ephemerality…

     
  2. Paula Tohline Calhoun

    July 7, 2012 at 08:14

    So excited I am to read your words for today! I think that it is coinciding with the arrival of our Kenya team in Nairobi – sometime late (I think) what is for you last night, July 6 or early July 7.

    They will be working at building at the Candlelight Home for orphans of HIV and AIDS in Nairobi. I do not have a more specific address, but when you find it, you can look for or ask for Alan Mears, or Mark Shepherd, two of the people in charge of our team. They know to look for you, and they have brought with them a gift I have sent to you through the team. I hope it arrives with them in good shape – they were taking a LOT of things with them – all sorts of supplies to fill some of the needs at the orphanage.

    Please e-mail me at calhounpaula@ymail.com as soon as you get this message so I will know that it has been received. If you are unable to locate them, and if it is possible for you to make an international call, please call me at: 011-1-828-926-4741* (At least that is the way to make International calls from over here – I don’t know if it’s the same method over there. The numbers mean: International access code – USA Country code – North Carolina Area Code – My 7-digit telephone number [includes a 3-digit prefix, plus our 4-digit personal number] – plus an asterisk – which is supposed to make the connection faster]). However, as I know it can be expensive, I will be happy to call you if you supply me with your telephone number. You can e-mail it to me if you don’t want to list it here.

    None of that will be necessary if all goes well – just call me within the next four or five days so I will know that contact has been made. If it has not, give me your phone number, and I will get in contact with our team over there, and give them your telephone number so they can call you. They are anxious to meet you, and really looking forward to it! Hope you can bring your camera with you – still or video.

    If you have Skype on your computer, we can communicate that way too, and it’s free! If your computer has a webcam we could even see each other as we talk!

    I am praying that this all works out. I will be meeting you vicariously through my brothers and sisters in Christ – the next best thing to being there myself!

    God be with you!
    Paula

     
    • kolembo

      July 7, 2012 at 09:38

      yes international numbers dial the same here! Will try to find them sunday – tomorrow!

       
    • kolembo

      July 14, 2012 at 20:13

      Hi Paula!

      Well it seems like a walk into the bush!
      I haven’t found them yet…I did find the area called Kayole in Nbi…it’s a slum area…but on the net they seem to talk about the people running the school being away in a farming area called Kitale, to the west of the Country roughly 300miles!

      I know the area well – I farm there…

      But that’s where I’m at.

      It’s Sunday tomorrow and I’m going to leave early to see if I can walk around Kayole a bit further.

      It would help if I knew whether they were actually IN Nairobi or if they’ve gone to Kitale? Could you find out for me?

      How long is their mission to Kenya by the way?

      Thumbs crossed!

       
  3. Paula Tohline Calhoun

    July 7, 2012 at 11:13

    I’m excited as a kid in a candy store! Can’t wait to hear!

     

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