So there has been some time between my hundred days of meditation, and today.
How do I feel?
I’ve been thinking about who I am, and how I construct myself.
I find that I’m an amalgamation of many different lies.
At least, that’s how I feel about myself.
You see, I’ve been anxious for a while now, a low lying anxiousness that registers beneath every waking minute. I am slowly getting through a small book called ‘The Power of Now”
In it, concern with the Past and the Future is the lie that we live everyday, the lie that takes me away from the only moment that matters, which is the Now.
With the Brahma Kumaris, I’ve been learning about Karma, and the suffering I go through as a result of my past actions.
At Easter, I learned about the un-conditional forgiveness Jesus’ death on the cross offers me.
These three notions clash and clang – and sometimes come together – when I think about Justice and Injustice in my life.
Sometimes I can see how Mercy has removed me from consequences of action that I deserved.
Sometimes I feel that I am being punished for some wrong-doing that I have not had the courage to correct.
Sometimes I feel that God cannot affect what happens in the material world…that I cannot understand how the truly awful things that happen to people – who I cannot see, nor claim – can be ‘because they deserve it.’
There are things in my past that I am struggling to be free from.
At the moment it is a financial debt that I find myself in, seemingly, completely out of my control. Taking responsibility for this situation is very difficult. It is as though, looking back, some demon struck at my most vulnerable moment.
I am frustrated and angry because I feel that at these moments, I should be able to count on the protection of God. I am reminded of Footprints in the Sand. (origin disputed)
Yet I find myself in chains and handcuffs with the refrain in the background that I have only myself to blame and can expect resolution to come only from myself.
It has pervaded my every waking moment and drained me of the joy of life and the freedom of being.
And so, that is my past, affecting in a very real way my present.
My future is shrouded in uncertainty. For many years now, it has not been clear to me, where I’m coming from, what fruit has been born by my choices and what opportunities lie ahead. I find no meaning in what is happening to me at the moment.
The other day I was thinking about love. I am so very grateful to have found a man who wants to walk with me, a man whose word I trust. But what do I know of love? What does it feel like? Here I am, and I have someone who can distract me from myself enough for me to find freedom when I’m with him, and yet, is that love or some selfish, mis-guided ecape from life? I love him for what he gives me, who he makes me feel?
Anyway, here I am.
Tired of looking at myself and seeing only need and weakness.
Confused by the lack of fulfillment in my life.
Startled by how afraid I am.
Still, I remain a child of God, and stumble forward even in this fog, clear somehow, that I am accomplishing something, sure that I will feel the Sun and proclaim it to be warm.
I pray that my needs will be met. I pray that mercy with come, that grace will be with me and that faith will hold.