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Am I having fun?

30 Aug

 

Ok

Here I am.

It’s been quite a while since I wrote. To a certain extent, I’ve enjoyed the break. I’ve never done a hundred days of anything straight through – except perhaps, college.

I was an excellent experience. It felt long, and sometimes felt like I wouldn’t make it.

If I missed a day of writing, I made it wrong, and beat myself up about it – funny…it’s my blog, my choice!

Anyway, here we are, and I’ve decided to do a whole year now. A year. Jeez. Last time I tried that I lasted two months.

It’s a strange place to be starting a years project – in the middle of the year – but it’s been a year since Caroline died, a year since Joe died, a year since Mbone and a year since Sheldon – and the next year has begun for me.

This year, I am writing. It’s a writing year. I’m writing a script, and I’m terrified. I know what it means. I know the wrestle with meaning, the tussle with writers block, the very peculiar ‘downs’ you get when it just doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.

I hate it.

And yet it’s time.

I was thinking about what happens when I commit to something – when down the road it starts to look like work, like something I am trying to do well and then be free off, like a task, a chore, a thing to be finished with.

It’s stressful.

Yet at the time of committment there WAS a reason.

Am I having fun?

When I’m afraid that I’m going to fail, when I am afraid to try because I am going to fail, when I’m afraid to fail so i don’t start – I’m not having fun.

I realise I have not ‘been having fun’ for a long time.

That in fact, I can’t remember the last time I ‘was having fun’.

So that’s what I’m doing this year, everyday, on this blog. Each entry will begin with the question – Am I having fun?

I want FUN to bring FREEDOM to my life, and FREEDOM in my life, bring with it, a sense of FUN.

Now that I’m HAVING FUN…am I having fun?

Onward.

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3 Comments

Posted by on August 30, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , ,

3 responses to “Am I having fun?

  1. Titirangi Storyteller

    September 30, 2012 at 05:46

    I am so far behind on everything, am afraid I won’t get caught up on anything and certainly not be able to reply as I would like, so I will settle for saying (as opposed to merely clicking) that I liked this…

     
  2. kshawnedgar

    October 13, 2012 at 07:43

    Hello. You can do it.

     
  3. Paula Tohline Calhoun

    October 31, 2012 at 23:56

    I cannot even begin to tell you how much I miss you, and to know if you ever got the gift I sent? The gift is not as important as the contact that it means – there is within it something that will keep us united in our unique way. I hoe you see this comment. I miss you. Just a word occasionally, or an e-mail to keep ij touch. So I will know how to picture you. I am doing OK. Our little Zoë is two years old. On our way out to visit her for her birthday party we were in a car accident. We are both OK – or at least we wil be. I am in recovery from a badly bruised chest which has hampered my breathing some, but I am getting better each day. The accident was the other driver’s fault completely, and she was unhurt, thank God. We hope that all of the insurance issues will be settled soon. I tell you about this accident because I am hoping that will be a reason for you to write back.

    I miss you. I pray for you each day – at least once – often many times because I pray for you each time i think of you several times a day!

    Give my best to Simon; and to your Mom – add a happy birthday, several months late! Again, I miss you, I miss your poetry, I miss the campfire. Hope to hear from you soon.

    Your sister in Christ,
    Paula

     

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