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Day Five: Who am I?

24 Feb

Strange day.

Been irritated.

Went into the office and retrieved the work I’d lost. Was very irritated with my editor. I tried to focus on todays meditation – thankful for what makes me, but man, it was difficult.

I have this thing now that I’m dealing with – like What on earth am I doing?! What do I want?

I feel a little fake.

Anyway, I wasn’t able to go like – I’m thankful I’m Kenyan, male, gay, like that…

I’m thankful I’m not poor but I’d love to be a lot richer. Money isn’t everything right?

I’d love to be more confident, I’d love to be charismatic, I’d love to be extraordinarily talented in something.

I like my frame…tall and slim. I’ve never looked at my face hard enough to know it…if I was approached by myself I’d walk on by.

Was Jesus an Arab?

What did he look like?

Was he muscular? good-looking? Did he have any defects? A big nose?

Did he smell, go to the toilet, pick his nose?

What were his parents like? At least Mary? Was he defined by where he was born and to whom, like the rest of us?

Was he thankful to God for being Jesus? Anything in the bible on that one?

I am thankful for who I am – but I’m looking at it in the sense of character and personality – the things you work on, the habits you make.

Are you born a ‘good’ person? A ‘generous’ one?

How much of who I am, am I responsible for?

Questions today eh?

One thing I am grateful for is my health. That’s new. Once when I was younger I remember being in a church service that was focussed around being grateful for health and I didn’t get it.

I do now.

Health is everything.

With health, you can live again, do again, re-do, un-do, erase and start again, with health everyday can be a new day.

Right now I’m sitting in silence around a camp fire, watching the light flicker off the face of Jesus. He looks moody. Contemplative. I want to play that game with him – three things he likes about me, three things he doesn’t.

I formulate three things I like about him.

That he is gentle.
That he is honest.
That he is knowledgeable about a lot of things.

I formulate three things I dislike.

That he asks so much of me.
That he doesn’t use his power more often.
That there are so many people around him all the time.

I don’t know how to love him – this man – or why I want to. He’s told me I have a purpose, a reason to live. He’s the only one who’s told me this.

I have a reason to live.

“Before I formed you in your mother’s womb, I knew you… (Jeremiah 1:5)

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3 Comments

Posted by on February 24, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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3 responses to “Day Five: Who am I?

  1. Okach

    February 24, 2017 at 22:44

    Enjoy your writing, glad to have the opportunity to read them again.

     
    • kreemer

      February 24, 2017 at 22:54

      Heh. I tell you it’s a funny thing hearing from myself after all these years. I think we must do whatever we can to really be in life while we’re still healthy. I think of you and the kids often – very soon not kids! Onward Michael 🙂

       
      • Okach

        February 25, 2017 at 16:35

        🖒

         

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