It gets more difficult.
I’m to look at the croses I carry and love them.
When asked to look at my crosses, I immediately denied having any.
Me…the one who complains. I’m gay…no-one understands me. I’m black…we’re oppressed. I’m poor…what did I do to deserve this?
My self thoughts are always most shrill when things are going wrong.
And then when they’re not, I turn to God in gratitude.
Well, I have many crosses. And I sometimes feel like I’m collapsing under their weight.
Furthur, I have to admit that I DO NOT feel gratitude towards those things that I blame for my life not being perfect.
However, I’m sitting in my living room, perparing to watch Tintin, with my sisters and my boyfriend and we’re happy.
And I’ve asked, what THEY think that I carry around like a burden that I really should be grateful for. One calls out, ‘Daddy!’.
There’s an oooo….
The other calls out ‘…your ADHD!’
There’s an ahhhhhh!
The first one finds something else…..’…that you’re the first born!’
Then Gay comes up. One agrees, the other does not. The one who does not is acknowledging my courageous attempt to live my life despite, and through it. The other is pointing out that it comes up enough times for it to be clear that I have had to wrestle with it.
Right now I am aware of just this.
If God made these crosses that I carry, especially for me so that I can find a way to fulfillment, then I am thankful. Truly.
Can I ask that occassionaly I am shown the path? That I may be sure of the way?
And can I ask that the burdens not be so heavy that I cannot manage?
I am tired of fighting life.
I’d like to just see what I have to do, and fight FOR it.
I am watching Jesus by tonight’s camp-fire, and I see in his eyes this question; would YOU take this cup from my lips?
Can YOU drink from this chalice?
“The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me; to one who orders his way rightly I will show the salvation of God!” (Psalm 50:23)