Lordy, today was a shocker.
My conversation is horrendous!
OK, if anything goes wrong…which in MY mind is all the time, I formulate stuff in my head – the way things SHOULD have gone, what I WOULD have said!
I don’t do OR say these things but that’s what my conversation does to protect myself.
But this one is confusing.
If I don’t say what I want because I know the situation can be handled differently, does this make me a lier?
Or a considerate person?
I try to MEAN what I say, when I SAY it, always, BUT I don’t ALWAYS choose to say what I WANT to say.
I am terrible with myself.
I discover, to my horror, that my self conversation is not born of CONFIDENCE.
Rather, comes from FEAR, and from a deep seated notion that I’M A FAILURE, I’m not GOOD ENOUGH.
And so I am always looking for approval, I am always looking for a chance to feel respected, or admired EVEN THOUGH these things really don’t mean anything at all for me.
Furthur, am I ever LISTENING if I’m talking to myself so much?
I am horrified, and as I watch Jesus eat corn around the fire – corn we found at the right time like he said we would because we’re out of food – calm and smiling, I’m wondering how he deals with me at all.
Am I helping HIM? CAN I?
It’s always me, me, me. Love ME, show ME, heal, ME.
I am thankful that most times (I think), my converstation is at least honest. Then again, even that. Is it?
I can rule my conversation. I must be responsible for it. My conversation can…no MUST be led by spirit.
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29-32)