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Day Eighteen: On forgiving Authority… 

10 Mar

It’s 1am in the morning and I’ve just read this.

I think I missed a day! Or almost. or something. I’ve been meditating on forgiveness in general today. It’s only now I understand why it wasn’t focussed – I hadn’t read the meditation!

I’ll take it to bed and hope that isn’t cheating.

Wait…what does that mean about tomorrows meditation?! I’ll have to accomplish this meditation in bad, then finish it in the morning, before I read the next one.

I feel as though I’m not spending enough time with the people in question (i.e friends, family, authority…) that I need to, in order to fulfill the days missions.

Ahhhhh….this would be a good day for a post from Paula….I think I wandered off into a cave somewhere and they’ve all moved on!

Authority. I don’t like authority.

I’m already having a problem following these meditations. This lady…Rhonda…it’s like she’s a paragon of contritness.

If I get any tighter I’m gonna suffocate!

Priests have a mighty hard time…catholics especially. It’s all code. Abide by this. Abide by that.

The Nuns at the Brahma Kumaris are the same. They wear white and if you’re not wearing white you soon begin to feel like you should be. The amount of washing….

I pretty much own my time. I like to think that it’s a good thing, but I really, I don’t have the disciplice for work I’m now too old to find it.

Is that a good thing?

I resent authority an yet, when I’m on set, I expect things to go the way I say.

What is authority? Power?

God has authority over my life.

What does THAT mean?

I surrender my decisions to God. Is that because it’s easier?

How much authority over my own life do I have?

How do i exercise it?

Can I choose to die?

This thing with a newer view – I see it coming – where we deciede when we die, and have someone help us do so comfortably..is that wrong?

Is suicide wrong? And whether it is or not, do we have a right to govern that authority over others?

We’re in the desert proper, the shore has disappeared, it’s brown and dusyt all round, horizon un-ending in every direction.

There are few of us remaining and food is not available.

Does this Jesus exercise authority over food?

Can he just create bread, or does life itself submit to the authority of Physics?

What about all the healing?

What about lazarus?

When my boyfriends Nephew died, his sisters church people prayed over the body and demanded that God return life to the boy.

Would I demand the same for my sister? My brother? My father?

When the time comes, would I demand it for my lover?

When I say God has authority over my life, do I have the right to say I asked and did not receive?

My experience is this – I have always had what I’ve needed, when I need it.

I have prayed in the past and received, quite quickly, what I saw was an answer.

I have also prayed and received what I feel to be stone cold silence.

Through it all, I have believed.

Whether or not it makes sense, I have faith and I believe.

Would I still believe in Jail? Under torture?

If it were shown to be, that God was just life in action – no personality to speak of – if everything was just it AS IT IS, and God, just the Generator, Operator and Destroyer of it all – would I have failed myself by living in faith?

I am lost in thought on this one – these questions – about how alive god is in my life, how real he is.

The responsibilty of maintaining my family has gotten so heavy, and I just don’t see how it’s going to work out.

Over Christmas I was ‘told’ that this year I am going to feel the power of my God in my life.

I believe it.

But gracious me…living in faith is a certain kind of madness.

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Posted by on March 10, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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