Today’s meditation was difficult to really understand.
How was I to see it differently from yesterdays on giving joyfully?
For some reason I’m in a very down mood.
I didn’t sleep well yesterday, and there is no specific reason for it.
My project has officially come to an end – I sign the papers tomorrow.
I was thinking about how I listen to people with problems.
I feel so bad hearing them that I immediately want to do something about it.
Then I’m carrying stuff that I didn’t mean to pick up, or I’m beating myself up for NOT wanting to be involved.
I feel an extreme sense of flux – and I can’t work it out.
I’m a little far from Simon, far from myself…I don’t know…kinda zoned out.
Anyway, I did have oppurtunities to practise generosity today, that challenged me.
First, a child came up to me while I was driving and I couldn’t get the my coins in time, so I didn’t give.
I wasn’t happy with the child in the first place, and I thought about that. Something was telling me, that in this instance I was just wanting to give so I could fill my ‘giving’ quota. Still, it wasn’t the childs fault – even though he looked like a ‘professional’.
I was aware that sometimes I don’t give people my time. When I am not present to others, I am not giving them time. I was bored today – restless.
Still, I recognised myself being generous in other ways. It’s a little creepy being so aware of giving. I’m trying not to think about what I’m doing, trying insted to contemplate ‘generosity’ as a concept.
I’m going to give my time to Simon tonight, after this post. No computer, no fiddling, I’ll just sit with him.
He thinks he bores me. Poor thing.