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Day sixty-seven: money, work and anxiety

28 Apr

 

 

As I was riding into meditation today, my mind was on my finances.

I have just received a check for my work and I’m going down the list of all the things that I needed to do, ticking them off as I get to them.

Bills, check, check, check, glasses – check, car – check…and suddenly I’m running out of money.

I’ve never been financially secure. I own my own time, I do what I want but it means that my life doesn’t run like clockwork. I can’t count on the amounts coming in nor it’s timing so the quality of my life changes seasonally, form boom to bust.

When I was younger, this wasn’t a problem, could always get a loan, or tighten the belt when I needed to.

Now I find that after paying debts and bills for things and services long used, I have very little to go forward with, so I don’t borrow anymore.

I find myself thinking about the security of the future.

This morning I was going to thank God for my life for my blessings, feeling for the moment, able to do whatever I want.

As I came to park the car outside the beautiful lotus leaf building, pssssstttttshhht, a puncture. Again.

I was so irritated! Instantly, out the feelings of gratitude and capability, immediately into – why me?! Should have stayed in bed!

Anyway, I went in, didn’t meditate well, changed the tyre afterward and drove home.

You know, I could have had the puncture on the highway. I could have forgotten to carry my wallet.

I see that so often, I am not prepared for disappointment, and when it comes, it derails my emotions, snap! – like that.

How stable am I in trusting God?

My meetings yesterday went smoothly, the way ahead, though convoluted, looks alright.

Yet – one puncture and I’ll unravel.

It is not a human thing to trust something unseen for your food, your health, your well-being.

And yet I’ll ask and I’ll ask when I’m in need, I’ll blame and blame when I’m without.

I was a little embarrased about how I was being this morning. How do I know I wasn’t being blessed?

God has my trust in everything. And it isn’t a bargain. My life without God has no direction and no meaning.

And I’d prefer I had, at least those, those two

 

“Neither death, nor life… nor things present, nor things to come, nor anything else in all creation…Nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus, Our Lord.“ (Romans 8:37-39)

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1 Comment

Posted by on April 28, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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One response to “Day sixty-seven: money, work and anxiety

  1. kreemer

    April 28, 2017 at 12:45

    Wow.
    Trust.

     

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