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Brute

15 Mar

-Genesis 16:11-12-

-The Angel of the LORD also said to her:

“You are now with child
and you will have a son.

You shall name him Ishmael,
for the LORD has heard of you misery.

He will be a wild donkey of a man;
his hand will be against everyone and everyone’s hand against him,

and he will live in hostility towards all his brothers.”-

I imagine a handsome fellow, a brute, a porn star.
I don’t know how this story ends.

The Bible is a little crazy about sex. Everyone is at it, Old Testament and New but very little is said apart from….. immorality.

I think of my relationship to pornography and masturbation.

The time we’re living in – porn is everywhere. And everyone, everyone at some point in their lives, will be touched by it.

What happens to me when I look at it? As an adult, many times porn has provided an avenue to really enjoy being with my partner – otherwise I find myself racked by a lack of confidence in my performance, a lack of courage and imagination and an inability to let go into the experience.

It’s…you know… squishy!

Babies! Yep…we don’t have them, at least not yet. So it’s all about getting off – and a little bit about getting to know each other, trusting, expressing love, skating intimacy….like every other relationship.

But I look at porn in secret and that is sometimes problematic. We tried looking at it together in the beginning but THAT just turned out to be embarrassing to me.

Hey – you don’t really know what turns people on, and if you did you’d be shocked!

Further, I’m almost certain that I DON’T want my fantasies in bed with me…I really don’t want him heaving and grunting like a cowboy baked and hardened by the desert.

Still. Seeing porn makes me feel a little less anxious, a little less alone.

Sometimes.

Other times, just out and about or making breakfast together or something, my soul leaps for joy for this one man who I’m with; I have someone to be with.

I can’t have a relationship with porn stars!

I think.

Then there is the question about whether or not I’m demeaning the actors. Fueling the corruption of other people’s lives.

I don’t feel that I am.

After all this time, I still don’t have an answer.

The Spirit of God whispers to me: use discernment. Depend on your Faith. Do neither too much nor non at all.

Be gentle with yourself. Include your spouse. Use discretion.

The Bible tells me I’m going to hell.

I miss my Dad.

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Posted by on March 15, 2018 in Uncategorized

 

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