“When I felt secure, I said,
I will never be shaken.”
O LORD, when you favored me,
You made my mountain stand firm;
But when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.”
I spent 2018 in a stupor.
I stopped drinking in February – I didn’t think I drank too much but I’m fifty and it’s been thirty years and… I’m an alcoholic.
I have been through a very long withdrawal.
It would not have been possible without God by my side.
It has changed everything. I could not pray – my head would not concentrate. All I could do was fall back on habit… meditation.
I’ve been a Christian all my life and I’m so grateful for the meditation I picked up – even though I could not feel myself in prayer, I could sit in silence and let God work.
At the most difficult points in my life, God has always shown up.
Physically. In my life. Healed it financially, spiritually…always.
Always going into it I have been on my very last legs. No more. I can’t take it. I want to die.
On healing, it’s the same astonishment. On the next Hill, the same despair.
This act of Faith and Belief is more difficult as I grow and become more aware of the sorrows of this world.
People at war anywhere, everywhere; Palestinians and the Rihingya… Women killed by husbands… Poverty moving migrants… The most random violence…the extreme disruption of lives. Christian Fundamentalists.
What happens when God doesn’t show up? Physically?
Could I go on if my very material life was not protected and charmed by knowing God?
How often is my prayer for the relief of pain?
What is ‘… Seek ye first…’?
How does it work?
I am safe and secure and comfortable and please God, I’d like to keep it that way.