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Day Ninety-Seven: Watching my response to criticism

 

 

You WHAT??!!!

I was looking at the Newspaper today and glanced through the University pull outs.

We have about five National Universities, only two of which I would consider.

They were advertising for this Falls admissions, and because I’m an older person, they won’t ask for education credentials.

They will ask for money.

The fees run about KShs. 200,000/= per year, approx $3000.

That’s all. For a degree. Wow.

If there’s one thing I’d love to go back and learn, it’s how to take criticism.

 

My whole live depends on how I approach opportunity.

I approach warily, like a lion ready to fight – or like a hyena, un-trusting that the thing is dead enough to eat.

I am defensive, and stressed out. I want to succeed, but often it’s more about succeeding in having people respect me, than getting the task accomplished. Power, money and adoration.

I am fearful.

 

To stand before criticism and understand – really understand – that it helps me get better, and doesn’t mean I’m inadequate, would give me the freedom to try. To try with all my might, and to do so in full light.

 

As it is, all my successes are simple ones…personal ones. I’ve reigned in my drinking. I don’t steal. I haven’t killed. I forgive as best I can. I am generous.

I’d like to be successful in what I do…successful not just dependable.

 

I’d love to, just once, believe that I could be the one to get the top prize.

 

Then, I’d like to learn humility.

 

“Jesus returned to Galilee in the power of the Spirit, and news about him spread through the whole countryside. He taught in their synagogues, and everyone praised him.” Luke 4:14,15

cartoon – http://sketchedout.wordpress.com/2007/10/page/2/

 
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Posted by on May 29, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Day ninety-six; drama, karma and noticing a change in self

 

 

I am growing.

I THINK I am growing.

Not everyone knows how to drive. I was thinking, on my way home, that I’d like to do something for the people who work for me and I thought perhaps, driving lessons.

Difficult to explain to you that they come from villages – as do we all – and though very urbanised, they are too old to dream of driving.

I think, fifty is not too old.

Anyway, in the middle of that thought, it occurred to me that not everyone knows how to drive a car.

I wonder how many people do? Is it more than half the world? Less?

So knowing how to drive a car is an asset and an honour.

 

Karma is a big thing with the Brahma Kumars. It is the notion that we are endlessly recycled souls and what we did in the past, affects what we experience now.

Further, that we are responsible for tomorrows experiences, by what we do today.

I don’t know about that.

Jesus teaches that he came to put an end to all that, that he is the solution, the redemption from the endless repeating cycle of Sin that man is bound to commit.

Still. I feel different today because I make a conscious effort to think that I want to feel different, nintey six days ago.

 

I am tired.

It’s been a long day, and a long year already, and my bones are tired and my health is in question.

So I shall not tarry long.

 

If it’s driving lessons we need to learn how to drive, then driving lessons are available.

If it is thoughts that drive our lives, then we really should learn how to think.

 

If learning how to think will drive my life, I’m all for thinking lessons!

 

By the way, I got a little poem of mine published today. Small pleasures.
Good night and safe driving.

 

“An oracle concerning Damascus: See, Damascus will no longer be a city but will become a heap of ruins.” Isiah 17:1

♦cartoon – Clay Bennett at the Chattanooga Times

 

 
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Posted by on May 28, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

Day Ninety Five: Snow White & The Kings

 

 

I watched this film today. It was supposed to be a modern rendition of, I guess, triumph over evil.

It was dreadful.

The reign of Kings and Queens is over. You know, there were places in the film where, Snow White is addressed as ‘the one’.

Destiny.

So the rest of us will have to eat cake.

 

I was uncomfortable in the movie.

Christianity is Royalist.

There is ONE King, who will rule above all others.

 

They will rule because they are more pure, more powerful, more everything.

I’m questioning what it is our role is, in the grand scheme of things.

Am I fighting for a place in heaven?

Will I be President?

A minister?

A City parking attendant?

 

How does this all work?

 

I find this week that I am very aware of my own interactions with other people, my own choices within those interactions.

I feel mildly more powerful than I have in a while.

Like I won’t shatter, I won’t break.

 

I am beginning to understand that EVERYONE is a King, a Queen.

Even you.

 

Isaiah 43:10-11 – I am he: before me there was no God formed, neither shall there be after me. I, even I, am the LORD; and beside me there is no saviour.

 

 
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Posted by on May 27, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Day Ninety-Four: A letter to God

 

 

For a divine being you don’t look after yourself very well.You worry about the most mundane things and time moves on.

You know that you define the space around you and yet you insist on sitting in shit.

You refuse to think about the good things you did, always harping on about how if only this and that would change, if only I had made the right choices.

You create life, and then complain as it goes according to your plan.

You get angry and sulk when it’s not all about you.

I want to tell you something.

You are a necessary part of life. You have a right to laugh and have fun and have sex.

You cannot continue to blame everyone else for everything that is going wrong.

You have to create something new.

You must create life anew.

 

Am I divine?

 

“For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” Isiah 43:19

 

 

 
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Posted by on May 26, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Day Ninety-Three: Part 2

Photo – Oresegun Olumide

“Freedom is essential to finding Joy which, regardless of the apparent struggles in Life, is what EVERYONE unequivocally wants. Joy in Life gives rise to Right Thinking – not the other way around – and Right Thinking leads to Happiness. It is Happiness in Life that is the greatest prize.”

♦-Take a moment and Look at the pictures below. Don’t rush-♦

Jay Weinstein

Photos – Jay Weinstein

 

 
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Posted by on May 25, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Day Ninety Three: Abandonment

 

 

In the last week of the ‘one hundred days of love’ journey, the teacher takes off.

She writes on this week that we are to come up with the weeks meditation. She offers her format as one to follow, but means for me, really, to go into the Bible, choose my own scripture, ask for my own help.

I expected this somehow, and wasn’t surprised, but my first thought was – why do all teachers do this?

Why in the end, do they take off, and say; that’s the end of the course, you know what to do, apply what you’ve learned!

 

This week the, I’ll just pick something and write.

 

I feel that God has been moving away from me for a while now.

I also feel (I think!), that I’ve been moving closer to myself.

Being responsible for my own life, my choices, my mistakes, is not something I’m enjoying.

I feel abandoned.

 

No miracles, no ray of shining light.

No transformation of paper into gold.

 

I had a talk with my sister yesterday about the power of positive thinking to transform the life that happens around you, or at least transform your experience of it.

One thought, held over a sufficient period of time, can change everything.

 

I am not poor.

I am not weighed down.

I am not ugly, fat, inadequate.

Not good enough, not pure enough, not strong enough.

 

I am rich.

I am free.

I am free.

 

“I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong – ” Romans 1:11

 
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Posted by on May 25, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Day ninety-two: Co-operation & Anger 2

 

 

So, as I approach the last week of my one hundred day journey, I hesitate.

I began on a whim.

Easter was approaching, I hadn’t done God in years – at least not in a concentrated way.

And, watching TV, I channeled into a Praise and Worship station, something I do very rarely, to find an old woman, holding her own on a lively debate about one hundred days of focused worship.

I went to her site, and signed on.

She’s an odd kettle of fish, a Catholic nun with a Ph.D and a very sort of – um – pernickity way of being.

 

I have pretty much managed a post a day, but there have been two periods of about a week each that I vacationed – both times preceeded by a night out on the town.

I don’t know what I’ve accomplished.

I need to know.

So this week, starting tomorrow, I will look at what has happened to me; what I was hoping for, how I am now and what my hopes are going forward.

Today I continue to seek cooperation from life, and freedom from anger.

I hope to find promise and progress in the practical matters of life – a conclusion of sorts on some property issues, an avenue, perhaps to a new job.

 

I want to find that my heart has changed, and that there is joy in my life.

♦photo – Mike Moruzi

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness…” (Galatians 5:22)

 
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Posted by on May 24, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Day Ninety One: Anger & Cooperation

 

 

We’re having a big week at the Brahma Kumaris Center this week.

Everyone must co-operate.

There are tents to be erected, lectures planned, food cooked.

Some people will want to do things this way, others that.

Personalities will clash.

 

I was sitting in meditation class today, wondering if I should raise my hand and say something about Soul and Companionship with God, or doing what you say being the path toward becoming who you say you are.

Would this have made me seem intelligent?

Would Porkiben have pointed me out and said to the class – see, this one is making effort, feel the energy?

Would it have been important to me?

 

What does it mean for me to be co-operative?

 

This week I am going to watch how I co-operate with people and with life.

I’m going to see If I can watch my anger like it’s a different person.

I’m going to greet myself and see if I can see myself whilst located within an understanding of myself as a Soul.

 

I am going to stop talking about it, and take flight.

 

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness…” (Galatians 5:22)

 
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Posted by on May 23, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Day ninety; anger and quietness

 

 

Have you ever made your point, and thought you’ve made it well?

And then kept talking, and the more you talked, the less powerful your words were/

I do this all the time.

I’m very articulate, I’m very sensitive and how I participate in conversation provides a great deal of thought or humour or insight depending on the situation.

I know this without being big-headed about it.

But, always, ALWAYS, so taken by the effect I initially have, and mesmerised by the power I feel, I go further.

Every word beyond that is designed to elevate me.

The result is wasted space and an experience of not being listened to.

 

Anger fuels itself.

I’m angry, and I convince myself that I am angry for good reason, and I direct that anger at someone else, and they get defensive, and I get more angry because they can’t see that I’m right to be angry, and then we’re both angry and nothing has changed except that we’re angry.

 

I am going to begin to speak less.

I am going to be quiet and allow myself only to speak when I have something to say.

 

I am going to try and listen to others and to God more.

I just may not succeed.

 

“The ornament of a meek and quiet spirit…is in the sight of God of great price.” (1 Peter 3:3-4)

 
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Posted by on May 22, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Day eighty nine; myself and anger

 

 

I think I’m angry with my Dad.

I think I’ve been angry with him for a long time.

I often wondered what they meant by ‘anger being a part of grief’.

Each grief is different I think, and I am not angry that he died.

Infact, I cannot see how things would have worked out the way they did for me, had he not.

It makes me angry at myself to see that this is true.

 

I am angry with him for not having left in the right way.

As though there is a right way to go.

 

For a man who had everything in order for so long, he broke up in the end.

But I’m angry at God too, for having arranged a situation bigger than us both.

 

I’d have loved to know my Dad…as I’m sure he’d have loved to me.

I cannot be angry at him anymore.

I cannot be angry at myself.

 

 

 
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Posted by on May 21, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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