Tag Archives: meditation

Does God enjoy my company?

I try and meditate for at least half an hour between 3am and 4am

When I started, I managed to do it for about a year.

I was desperately sad so it seemed easy because it’s the only time I could find Peace.

And I needed Peace.

But also – at 5am I went to class so it was a good way to wake up – and then I went to see my boyfriend so it was something to look forward to.

Nowadays it’s a little harder.

Does God enjoy my company?

Usually prayer means bowing to a Holy God

And then maybe some chit chat with Jesus – mostly about not understanding the whole thing, and just having Faith, and asking for money for rent and some Mercy so I don’t loose the comfort I have – and if I remember, praying for some good in the world and some relief for those suffering.

And then – yes – lots of gratitude.

So – I’m always wanting something.

Most Merciful, Most Gracious.

It becomes like – a duty. Have I said my prayers? How can I say I love God and I haven’t prayed today.

I mean – I talk to God all the time but it feels like talking to myself – how do I know – so special time, set aside for God.

A lot of times it’s not like I feel like God even hears.

Or – I mean – there are billions of other prayers – other cries for help.

Then I thought – maybe God likes to have my company.

I mean – I don’t think I being very much – and what could I bring anyway – but this thought – maybe God’s waiting for me eagerly at 3a.m. – and I don’t show up.

It’s a strange thought.

Because if God’s waiting for me – if God wants to see me – then….I want to see God and let him know I love him.

And talk to him like a friend – or a lover?

Can God be a lover?

One of the harshest punishments I received was a vision of hell, when somehow I managed to have brought God into – masturbation.

My thought was that I could not hide anything and so I’d just have to be open.

But worse than that – in my drunkenness – somehow God became involved.

I’ve not had a drink since then.

The vision was terrifying. Hell. I remember the smell. And the demons. The horror of not being able to see God anywhere.

Knowing that it was me that did this – I chose.

Knowing that something had closed forever.

It was unbearable and I woke up screaming in despair and I’ve not had a drink since.


I don’t know what to do about that one.

It’s not like I enjoy it so freely like I used to – but – I grew up with porn – so it’s there.

I pray for rescue before I fall.

I pray after for forgiveness.

It feels weird.

I don’t so much anymore – I just let it happen when my body won’t stand it anymore.

I understand Priests and the Celibate better now.

Anyway – I’m lost.

Oh yeah – is God enjoys my company at 3 in the morning – I’m going to try and be there.

I love you.

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Posted by on May 24, 2020 in Uncategorized


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Mercy and the Cross

Without Mercy you are responsible for the effects of every thought you have had

How many thoughts do you think you have?

How do you think when you are anxious? Hurt? Angry? Depressed?

Do you think you can change what you think?


Self affirmation – I am a soul?

You cannot.

Mercy is simply this; Jesus stands in the way of all your bad thoughts, and God casts the results of those thoughts into hell – and leaves you with just – and only – all those thoughts you had of Good and goodness.

The reward is these thoughts translated into the world that surrounds you here now, and moreso, after you die.

In the life and body of Christ you have a chance to create an experience for yourself of Joy never-ending when you die – and of a life of meaning while you are alive.

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Posted by on April 28, 2020 in Uncategorized


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Have pure and positive thoughts for yourself and others

May you have pure and positive thoughts for yourself and for others and transform negative into positive.

In order to remain constantly powerful, simply remember two things: Have pure and positive thoughts for yourself and for others.

With pure and positive thoughts for yourself, you can transform negative into positive.

Having pure and positive thoughts for yourself is connected to having pure and positive thoughts for others.

If there are no pure and positive thoughts for yourself, you cannot have pure and positive thoughts for others.

Pay attention to both of these at the present time because there are so many problems and people cannot understand you through words.

So use your pure and positive thoughts and give them vibrations and they will then change.

As is the Father, so am I

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Posted by on August 6, 2019 in Uncategorized


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-Psalms 30:6-7-

“When I felt secure, I said,

I will never be shaken.”

O LORD, when you favored me,

You made my mountain stand firm;

But when you hid your face,

I was dismayed.”

I spent 2018 in a stupor.

I stopped drinking in February – I didn’t think I drank too much but I’m fifty and it’s been thirty years and… I’m an alcoholic.

I have been through a very long withdrawal.

It would not have been possible without God by my side.

It has changed everything. I could not pray – my head would not concentrate. All I could do was fall back on habit… meditation.

I’ve been a Christian all my life and I’m so grateful for the meditation I picked up – even though I could not feel myself in prayer, I could sit in silence and let God work.

At the most difficult points in my life, God has always shown up.

Physically. In my life. Healed it financially, spiritually…always.

Always going into it I have been on my very last legs. No more. I can’t take it. I want to die.

On healing, it’s the same astonishment. On the next Hill, the same despair.

This act of Faith and Belief is more difficult as I grow and become more aware of the sorrows of this world.

People at war anywhere, everywhere; Palestinians and the Rihingya… Women killed by husbands… Poverty moving migrants… The most random violence…the extreme disruption of lives. Christian Fundamentalists.

What happens when God doesn’t show up? Physically?

Could I go on if my very material life was not protected and charmed by knowing God?

How often is my prayer for the relief of pain?

What is ‘… Seek ye first…’?

How does it work?

I am safe and secure and comfortable and please God, I’d like to keep it that way.

I pray.

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Posted by on January 4, 2019 in Uncategorized


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No one knows where the Spirit comes from and where it is going

John 3:8

The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.


I have often wondered where I came from.

I have no children. I am fifty.

I wonder when I peer back – to see where I come from – back through my mother and father, back through their mothers and fathers, back, back, so many times and yet – I am still there, some piece of me, connected to me here, back to the first man and the first woman – if I am wrong not to have a child.

I am African. I am my parents only son. I have sisters but none of us have children.

Does the line stop here?

I look forward, through time…am I there? Have I cut my father off? My mother?

I am homosexual. Shall I leave a piece of me at the hospital with a note and some money and ask when I die, that they put it into a woman who can bear me a child?

Shall I look for her before I die and become friends?

Or – have I been here before…a spirit in flesh, who does not know where he has come from, or where he is going….but has been here many times before and will come again…and again…

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Posted by on January 2, 2019 in Uncategorized


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To be undone means to come apart at the seams, to be unraveled.

Isaiah expresses an experience of personal disintegration in the face Of The Holiness of God.

To dis-integrate.

To integrate something is to put pieces together in a unified whole.

The word ‘integrity’ suggests a person whose life is whole or wholesome.

Put together what I think, what I say, and what I do.

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Posted by on September 14, 2018 in Uncategorized


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More than conquerors

-Romans 8:28-39-

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who, have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

More Than Conquerors

31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord...”-

How much of my life is my own?

When things are going well, how much of my success is mine?

When things are not going well, how quickly do I turn to God, throwing all my burdens that way?

I carry responsibility for my life. How then do I turn to God?

I’m at a funny place. I began this Diary a long time ago to chart my walk with God over 100 days of Easter.

I repeated the exercise a few years later, re-reading what I had written and leaving a comment for myself.

This year, I decided to read the Bible – not for the first time, and have been extracting passages for myself.

For when?

I’m fifty next year and where once the purpose for this blog was to leave a record for myself to find thirty years from now, before my death – say – I find I’m still writing.

The question I have for myself now is why? If it is always current, what shall I learn from it later?


Perhaps on this entry, I close this chapter and consign it to history.

Perhaps I start another blog to chart this new journey.

I think it’s time.

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Posted by on June 19, 2018 in Uncategorized


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Then come together again

-1 Corinthians 7:5-

-“Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”-

I think about me and the relationship I am in. I often wonder if it’s alright that only one of us believes.
Paul is nuts.

Am I to be patient with God or HE with me? Am I to be patient with my partner? Does that imply that my partner is a child?
Or is he to be patient with me and all my tantrums and paradoxes and complications?

-1 Corinthians 7:14-

-“For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.”-

Here is Grace and Mercy and Forgiveness and Gentleness and Kindness and Self-Discipline.

-1 Corinthians 7:16-

-“How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?”-

Intense. Even the grammar. And the punctuation. And I think there is space for my lover and I to love each other in God.
I think it’s possible.

-Leviticus 10:10-

-“You must distinguish between the holy and the common, between the unclean and the clean.”-

I just don’t know how to do it.

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Posted by on June 15, 2018 in Uncategorized


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-Revelation 1:7-

-“Look, he is coming with the clouds, and every eye will see him, even those who pierced him; and all the people of the Earth will mourn because of him.

So shall it be! Amen.”-

Such a strident verse. It’s been more than two thousand years. What does this mean?

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Posted by on May 21, 2018 in Uncategorized


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Elisha’s tomb

-2 Kings 13:21-

-“Once while some Israelites were burying a man, suddenly they saw a band of raiders; so they threw the man’s body into Elisha’s tomb.

When the body touched Elisha’s bones, the man came to life and stood up on his feet.”

I have always thought that it was only Jesus that brought the dead back to life, and even with that it was just Lazarus and one child.

Actually Paul has. And Peter. Elisha does also, and even in death.

I am facing a crisis this year.

How can the Bible be a facsimile of truth? In other words, word for word, sentence for sentence, the exact copy of exact truth?

And if interpret it I must, who’s version do I seek and how is this different from Sharia Law and the Islamic system of Quranic reading?

It just is not possible to go through the Bible this way – it is not possible to read 2 Kings and see sanity.

So then Jesus came to change everything. And left the Holy Spirit. This same Spirit I am seeing on pulpits everywhere, across every religion, proclaiming themselves to be the ONE way to God, preaching the most egregious sentiment about everyone other than themselves, calling to arms, sentencing to hell, amassing to themselves, purifying and condemning, refusing even good if it is not subservient to their God, their way, the true way….

I am a Christian. I have been for decades. I believe in Jesus and in his death and his Resurrection and his invitation too life and, yeah, his miracles – I cannot, at the moment, just take the Bible as the word of God.

These are words of men and women in a battle with life through the history of life.

I don’t know where to turn.

Except for the prayer I have that God has this for me, that illumination is present in these words, that somehow God can speak to me – it’s rough.

Because I’m not sure the Christian I am is the Christian I here around me today.

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Posted by on May 6, 2018 in Uncategorized


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