I try and meditate for at least half an hour between 3am and 4am
When I started, I managed to do it for about a year.
I was desperately sad so it seemed easy because it’s the only time I could find Peace.
And I needed Peace.
But also – at 5am I went to class so it was a good way to wake up – and then I went to see my boyfriend so it was something to look forward to.
Nowadays it’s a little harder.
Does God enjoy my company?
Usually prayer means bowing to a Holy God
And then maybe some chit chat with Jesus – mostly about not understanding the whole thing, and just having Faith, and asking for money for rent and some Mercy so I don’t loose the comfort I have – and if I remember, praying for some good in the world and some relief for those suffering.
And then – yes – lots of gratitude.
So – I’m always wanting something.
Most Merciful, Most Gracious.
It becomes like – a duty. Have I said my prayers? How can I say I love God and I haven’t prayed today.
I mean – I talk to God all the time but it feels like talking to myself – how do I know – so special time, set aside for God.
A lot of times it’s not like I feel like God even hears.
Or – I mean – there are billions of other prayers – other cries for help.
Then I thought – maybe God likes to have my company.
I mean – I don’t think I being very much – and what could I bring anyway – but this thought – maybe God’s waiting for me eagerly at 3a.m. – and I don’t show up.
It’s a strange thought.
Because if God’s waiting for me – if God wants to see me – then….I want to see God and let him know I love him.
And talk to him like a friend – or a lover?
Can God be a lover?
One of the harshest punishments I received was a vision of hell, when somehow I managed to have brought God into – masturbation.
My thought was that I could not hide anything and so I’d just have to be open.
But worse than that – in my drunkenness – somehow God became involved.
I’ve not had a drink since then.
The vision was terrifying. Hell. I remember the smell. And the demons. The horror of not being able to see God anywhere.
Knowing that it was me that did this – I chose.
Knowing that something had closed forever.
It was unbearable and I woke up screaming in despair and I’ve not had a drink since.
I don’t know what to do about that one.
It’s not like I enjoy it so freely like I used to – but – I grew up with porn – so it’s there.
I pray for rescue before I fall.
I pray after for forgiveness.
It feels weird.
I don’t so much anymore – I just let it happen when my body won’t stand it anymore.
I understand Priests and the Celibate better now.
Anyway – I’m lost.
Oh yeah – is God enjoys my company at 3 in the morning – I’m going to try and be there.
I love you.