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Day Twenty – Fogiving Myself. Yay.

Giggle.

The title is so tired!

I’m fefling flat – I get that I feel flat alot.

I didn’t leave the house today, spent it by myself.

I set the alarm this morning and then left the phone downstairs.

Know that ‘missed-alarm-meeting’ feeling?

I was furious with myself, I was furious with my boyfriend, I was furious with the traffic.

I didn’t express any of this of course, I hugged him as I left, cursed silently at the government, forgave the alarm clock.

I had already been thinking about forgiving myself as soon as forgiveness came up as a topic to meditate on.

Is that the same as being forgiven?

Today, the moments of regret were tempered.

I am stopping myself from being derogatory ABOUT myself.

It’s odd. I took that to be humility.

Actually it’s a disrespect to my self.

I’ve had this long standing thing that respect is not something i need.

I don’t need to be respected by anyone, I don’t need to puff my chest out,

Explains why then, my thoughts about myself are so bad.

I don’t understand. Why now? You promised!

I hadn’t realised just how bad it had gotten.

I’m embarassed and ashamed and I’m not going to do it anymore.

That’s what I told Jesus around the campfire today and he smiled.

He asked if I was hungry.

 

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

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Posted by on March 14, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Day Seventeen, Pt2 – Forgiving your friends

 

 

I’m home now.

I’m just watching footage of the Japanese Tsunami.

I had no idea how bad it was. Villages were swept away.

I remember the scale of the one on the Asian coast. What was the final number?

It’s the whole, families, villages, cities thing that gets me.

The silent retreat this weekend was very DEEP for me.

I learned that self love is where you start.

I learned it leads to self-respect.

I learned that detachment does not mean disconnection.

I will feel, I will be in situations, I will be with people – but – if I place myself in love and self respect – then I can observe the situation and be of help, rather than succumb to anger, or resentment, or panic.

I’ve re-discovered that Truth actually, is everything.

I heard that God loves me, that we are living in funny times and the world is going to be pummeled by natural disasters of epic proportions.

This is a prediction based on the way things seem to be going,by people who claim affinity with these sort of things.

I am learning to love people I don’t even know.

So tonight, round the camp fire, looking at Jesus, I am beginning to understand that this man loved people he never met. People who beat him up and then killed him.

I feel very special…but I want to ask…why? Why does he love us? Jesus? Ok…he was a man so perhaps he learned that he wanted to be loved and if so, then everyone does.

But god? Why does HE love us? Me?

Is he mad?

I forgot who I’m supposed to be forgiving.

“Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.” Proverbs 17:9

♦Photo from Buzzfeed: 50 Stunning Pics of The Japanese Tsunami♦

 
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Posted by on March 12, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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