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Day Ninety-Seven: Watching my response to criticism

 

 

You WHAT??!!!

I was looking at the Newspaper today and glanced through the University pull outs.

We have about five National Universities, only two of which I would consider.

They were advertising for this Falls admissions, and because I’m an older person, they won’t ask for education credentials.

They will ask for money.

The fees run about KShs. 200,000/= per year, approx $3000.

That’s all. For a degree. Wow.

If there’s one thing I’d love to go back and learn, it’s how to take criticism.

 

My whole live depends on how I approach opportunity.

I approach warily, like a lion ready to fight – or like a hyena, un-trusting that the thing is dead enough to eat.

I am defensive, and stressed out. I want to succeed, but often it’s more about succeeding in having people respect me, than getting the task accomplished. Power, money and adoration.

I am fearful.

 

To stand before criticism and understand – really understand – that it helps me get better, and doesn’t mean I’m inadequate, would give me the freedom to try. To try with all my might, and to do so in full light.

 

As it is, all my successes are simple ones…personal ones. I’ve reigned in my drinking. I don’t steal. I haven’t killed. I forgive as best I can. I am generous.

I’d like to be successful in what I do…successful not just dependable.

 

I’d love to, just once, believe that I could be the one to get the top prize.

 

Then, I’d like to learn humility.

 

“Jesus returned to Galilee in the power of the Spirit, and news about him spread through the whole countryside. He taught in their synagogues, and everyone praised him.” Luke 4:14,15

cartoon – http://sketchedout.wordpress.com/2007/10/page/2/

 
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Posted by on May 29, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Day Ninety Five: Snow White & The Kings

 

 

I watched this film today. It was supposed to be a modern rendition of, I guess, triumph over evil.

It was dreadful.

The reign of Kings and Queens is over. You know, there were places in the film where, Snow White is addressed as ‘the one’.

Destiny.

So the rest of us will have to eat cake.

 

I was uncomfortable in the movie.

Christianity is Royalist.

There is ONE King, who will rule above all others.

 

They will rule because they are more pure, more powerful, more everything.

I’m questioning what it is our role is, in the grand scheme of things.

Am I fighting for a place in heaven?

Will I be President?

A minister?

A City parking attendant?

 

How does this all work?

 

I find this week that I am very aware of my own interactions with other people, my own choices within those interactions.

I feel mildly more powerful than I have in a while.

Like I won’t shatter, I won’t break.

 

I am beginning to understand that EVERYONE is a King, a Queen.

Even you.

 

Isaiah 43:10-11 – I am he: before me there was no God formed, neither shall there be after me. I, even I, am the LORD; and beside me there is no saviour.

 

 
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Posted by on May 27, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Day Ninety-Four: A letter to God

 

 

For a divine being you don’t look after yourself very well.You worry about the most mundane things and time moves on.

You know that you define the space around you and yet you insist on sitting in shit.

You refuse to think about the good things you did, always harping on about how if only this and that would change, if only I had made the right choices.

You create life, and then complain as it goes according to your plan.

You get angry and sulk when it’s not all about you.

I want to tell you something.

You are a necessary part of life. You have a right to laugh and have fun and have sex.

You cannot continue to blame everyone else for everything that is going wrong.

You have to create something new.

You must create life anew.

 

Am I divine?

 

“For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” Isiah 43:19

 

 

 
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Posted by on May 26, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Day Ninety-Three: Part 2

Photo – Oresegun Olumide

“Freedom is essential to finding Joy which, regardless of the apparent struggles in Life, is what EVERYONE unequivocally wants. Joy in Life gives rise to Right Thinking – not the other way around – and Right Thinking leads to Happiness. It is Happiness in Life that is the greatest prize.”

♦-Take a moment and Look at the pictures below. Don’t rush-♦

Jay Weinstein

Photos – Jay Weinstein

 

 
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Posted by on May 25, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Day Ninety Three: Abandonment

 

 

In the last week of the ‘one hundred days of love’ journey, the teacher takes off.

She writes on this week that we are to come up with the weeks meditation. She offers her format as one to follow, but means for me, really, to go into the Bible, choose my own scripture, ask for my own help.

I expected this somehow, and wasn’t surprised, but my first thought was – why do all teachers do this?

Why in the end, do they take off, and say; that’s the end of the course, you know what to do, apply what you’ve learned!

 

This week the, I’ll just pick something and write.

 

I feel that God has been moving away from me for a while now.

I also feel (I think!), that I’ve been moving closer to myself.

Being responsible for my own life, my choices, my mistakes, is not something I’m enjoying.

I feel abandoned.

 

No miracles, no ray of shining light.

No transformation of paper into gold.

 

I had a talk with my sister yesterday about the power of positive thinking to transform the life that happens around you, or at least transform your experience of it.

One thought, held over a sufficient period of time, can change everything.

 

I am not poor.

I am not weighed down.

I am not ugly, fat, inadequate.

Not good enough, not pure enough, not strong enough.

 

I am rich.

I am free.

I am free.

 

“I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong – ” Romans 1:11

 
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Posted by on May 25, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Day Ninety One: Anger & Cooperation

 

 

We’re having a big week at the Brahma Kumaris Center this week.

Everyone must co-operate.

There are tents to be erected, lectures planned, food cooked.

Some people will want to do things this way, others that.

Personalities will clash.

 

I was sitting in meditation class today, wondering if I should raise my hand and say something about Soul and Companionship with God, or doing what you say being the path toward becoming who you say you are.

Would this have made me seem intelligent?

Would Porkiben have pointed me out and said to the class – see, this one is making effort, feel the energy?

Would it have been important to me?

 

What does it mean for me to be co-operative?

 

This week I am going to watch how I co-operate with people and with life.

I’m going to see If I can watch my anger like it’s a different person.

I’m going to greet myself and see if I can see myself whilst located within an understanding of myself as a Soul.

 

I am going to stop talking about it, and take flight.

 

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness…” (Galatians 5:22)

 
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Posted by on May 23, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Day ninety; anger and quietness

 

 

Have you ever made your point, and thought you’ve made it well?

And then kept talking, and the more you talked, the less powerful your words were/

I do this all the time.

I’m very articulate, I’m very sensitive and how I participate in conversation provides a great deal of thought or humour or insight depending on the situation.

I know this without being big-headed about it.

But, always, ALWAYS, so taken by the effect I initially have, and mesmerised by the power I feel, I go further.

Every word beyond that is designed to elevate me.

The result is wasted space and an experience of not being listened to.

 

Anger fuels itself.

I’m angry, and I convince myself that I am angry for good reason, and I direct that anger at someone else, and they get defensive, and I get more angry because they can’t see that I’m right to be angry, and then we’re both angry and nothing has changed except that we’re angry.

 

I am going to begin to speak less.

I am going to be quiet and allow myself only to speak when I have something to say.

 

I am going to try and listen to others and to God more.

I just may not succeed.

 

“The ornament of a meek and quiet spirit…is in the sight of God of great price.” (1 Peter 3:3-4)

 
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Posted by on May 22, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Day eighty-eight; Priorities and anger

 

 

It’s been a long weekend.

It began with a funeral, private, and has become a National Funeral.

 

This morning at Church, I was asked what my priority is.

My mother?

My lover, my child, my car?

 

Do I love God above all else?

 

What does this do to my thoughts on people who don’t listen to me, even when I am the ‘authorising’ figure at the moment?

Taking offense when people don’t take what I am saying because I’m beating them over the head with it, is like hitting myself, and wondering why it hurts.

I can say my piece without being right.

It doesn’t matter.

What I want is to be free to live, and let others feel the same.

Delivering my piece has got to be part of it, but it does not need to be taken, or else.

 

I am aware, that I am serious when I feel there is something at stake.

When what is at stake is my own righteousness, and it’s not taken seriously, I get angry.

 

I would prefer to prioritise something that makes me feel good.

Or at least, not make anger, first.

 

“I am the Lord, the God all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?” Jeremiah 37:27

 

 
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Posted by on May 20, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Day eighty-seven; anger and helpfulness

 

 

It’s my mum’s birthday today.

And I’m reminded that, people’s live are important.

That I don’t know why I was born, or why I will die, but that I was and I will, and that my mum and her life inspire me.

I was at a funeral on Friday, and it reminded me that others too, have fixations on people – that the phenomenon of fathers and mothers and brothers and sisters, is universal, and it’s called family.

Being helpful, in the midst of anger, is not something I’ve thought about before.

 

What is being helpful anyway?

 

Sometimes I think being helpful is just a way to help myself.

When people are helped, they’ll either help me in return, or at least shut up.

 

Being angry has so much to do with whether at that moment, I am being helped, or that I’m not.

I can be angry with myself sometimes also, when I think my actions have not helped myself or anyone else.

 

When I am thoughtful about being helpful, even when the experience of the moment, threatens to be one of anger, I create space for myself, and for those around me, to consider the existence of a better way, and to understand, that whatever the case, I can be a better man.

Always.

 

This makes me feel that it is worth it.

That t I can fight depression with inspiration, and that when I am inspired, it’s a gift that I can use to be helpful.

 

And I find that I enjoy being helpful.

After the effort.

Truly, I find myself blessed, and anger banished, in helpfulness.

 

“You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick, or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost.” (Ezechial 34:4)

 
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Posted by on May 19, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Day eighty-six; service, leadership and anger

 

 

I have been thinking about service.

Am I a servant?

When I am angry, who am I serving?

Most times I am angry, it is because I think I have not been served.

I have not received what I feel I am entitled to…

Respect, gratitude, recognition, an apology.

 

I rarely serve.

When I do something for others it’s not because I am serving them, it’s because I am serving my own need to be helpful, or to forgive, to to somehow, pay for my sins.

 

I have an uncle whom I respect very much, who until recently was the Attorney General of Kenya.

He is an extraordinary person.

Everything about him revolves around service. It drives him.

My own father was the deputy director at UNEP.

He was an extraordinay person.

Everything about HIM was about service.

 

Me?

I ask myself…am I an extraordinary person?

Do I serve my work, the people I lead, my God?

Do I serve anything at all?

 

“Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God, so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him. He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, ‘Lord, are you going to wash my feet?’ Jesus replied, ‘You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.’” (John 13:3-8)

 
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Posted by on May 18, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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