Day seventy eight; Anger 2 – being aware of it in my life.

 

 

So, I woke up angry.

It’s a horrible way to wake up.

Everything is dark and dangerous, and your primed for things to go wrong.

I remembered that I’m thinking about Anger this week and realising that I’ve come here through Peace, I am attempting to breath and relax and release this Anger.

I don’t know if its an active thing I’m supposed to be doing – looking at the source of my Anger, forgiving the cause of it, etc.

I can’t even think in these terms because as soon as I think about it, I am angry.

We go before the judge on the 6th of June and I’ve told my lawyer to throw the gauntlet.

I will let the situation play itself out.

 

What I really dislike is the way that it seems to have taken over everything.

 

So. This is what it looks like. I can’t enjoy myself, or the people and things around me. But, being aware that I am angry, I am also aware that it’s wasting my time, so I’m going to try and let it be, and let myself be too.

 

“My peace I give you…” (John 14:27)

 

Day seventy eight; Anger Pt.1

 

 

I’m in a situation right now that has me full of anger.

It’s a legal situation in which I feel someone has betrayed my trust and used the law against me.

I am furious.

It’s a deep burning rage that I can only quench by not thinking about it.

 

Then, here we go, day seventy-seven and we’re into Anger.

 

Being angry and being afraid have the same effect on me. I tremble, I sweat and I can’t control what I say.

I often think about the military and how they put people in training in situations where they must face anger and fear, and extract from it, something useful.

 

I realise that I am angry and fearful about my whole life.

Angry and fearful and disappointed and regretful.

 

And I don’t want to be.

 

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” (James 1:19)

 

Day Seventy Seven; A whole day of freedom of spirit and lightness

 

 

I’m feeling heavy.

Been feeling heavy the whole week.

It’s a bit odd, because worry hasn’t come along with it.

 

I am really struggling now, as I come to the last three weeks of One Hundred Days of Love.

I feel quite empty right now – I’m glad, I’ve come this far, but now it’s taking me 48hrs to get back to doing another day of meditation, another day of posting.

 

I realise that after eight weeks in any project, I begin to wane.

It’s Saturday and I went out to a movie – Men in Black 3 – in 3d! – with Simon.

I’m home now, infront of the TV watching Vampire Bats in South America.

All these animals on our planet…the plants…all this water and wealth, are we looking after it well enough.

 

Tomorrow I will go to church, and meditate with the BKs and ask God to keep me in Peace.

 

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

 

Day seventy six; Simplifying prayer

 

 

“Thou art called by name, thou art mine … when you walk through the waters, I will be with you.” (Isaiah 43:1-1)

 

I spent the day on my own.

I’m anxious again, about tomorrow and the day after.

I ‘talk’ to God alot.

I mean, I think alot and constantly involve God in that thinking.

It doesn’t feel like prayer – but I do sometimes, imagine that it is real conversation.

When I pray, my thoughts are often so complicated, and coming all at once – that I can’t find the words, or I don’t say what I’m trying to say, or I get stuck pleading, or praising, or rambling.

This afternoon I found myself singing in the shower.

I found a melody and sang, ‘Oh Lord’ over and over again.

It was strange.

I really enjoyed it.

I felt heard.

I’m at Simons and I’m learning that I can’t ALWAYS listen to him, can’t ALWAYS want to make him comfortable.

Can I ALWAYS listen to God?

Do I ALWAYS hear what he is saying?

 

Photo – Dhaami at Gossamer dreams 

P.S. I’m so conscious today about that term ‘HE’. Why ‘HE’? If I were a woman and spoke to God all the time as ‘HE’ it would affect how I view him.

I tried calling him, HER, and it confused me!

Just a thought.

 

Day seventy five; The most beautiful thing in the world

 

 

 

“Behold the lilies of the field, how they grow. They labor not, neither spin. And yet for all that I say unto you, that even Solomon in all his royalty, was not arrayed as these.” (Matthew 6:1)

 

I am the most beautiful thing in the world.

God told me so this morning.

It was quarter to five, it was dark, I was downstairs in the living room sitting on the couch.

I hadn’t slept all night.

I’d fainted in the bath.

And I wanted to play with myself.

 

Yup, wanted to have a few moments to myself. 

I was sitting on the couch, and Simon was upstairs, and I wanted a few moments alone.

I was feeling bad about it.

Like a cheat.

So I just sat there, in the dark.

 

Be, and let others be.

 

God is my lover this morning and I’m afraid I’ve not been good enough.

I have not allowed him to tell me that he loves me.

I have run around and kept him foremost in my mind, I have churned his knowledge, and given charitably and had faith in the future and gone to church.

I have put him before me and thought of his needs and tried to fulfill them and tried to love with all that I have.

 And now I want some time alone.

 

You are the most beautiful thing in the world.

 

I am not listening.

I am thinking about how disingenuous I am.

Thinking about feet and fluids and sex.

 

You are like a flower.

You’re scent is sweet and your laughter, warm like an ocean of puppies.

 

I have taken the chain and I am whipping myself – whipping my back over my shoulder, rhythmically.

I have failed.

I hate myself.

I am not deserving.

 

You are my love.

You are perfect to me.

I love you, here,

Take my love.

 

I am awake now, and I’m saying good-bye to Simon.

He is holding me close.

He has just woken up, and I can smell his hair.

I stand there a long time.

 

Be, and let others be.

 Simplicity of trust. 

 

 

 

Day seventy four; Decluttering my life

 

I laughed at this one today!

There is no hope of decluttering my life. I am surrounded by it. My only reprieve is that I don’t have much.

Still, it is clutter!

Simon and I have been spending alot of time doing nothing.

I feel so relaxed, I don’t think I have a heart beat.

We’ve watched some films (at the cinema!), we’ve had a couple of dinners (out!), we’ve bought new glasses.

I’ve been on the net far to much, but he’s been on the couch next to me, flicking through the channels.

It feels like rest, and I’m loving it.

And like the Sunday before the Monday – I’m tensing up over what it means.

When is the next mad rush going to begin?

Will I be rested enough?

Will it be something fun? Fulfilling?

We have a gap in the clouds, the suns coming through, and I’m feeling shone upon.

This Sunday the sermon was on Maturing as a Christian, and how that meant engagement with community.

It made perfect sense.

When it was over, I left as fast as I could, said nothing to anyone, fled right back to my couch.

Ah.

Decluttering my life.

If I could only get passed my memories being of things I’ve done wrong, places I haven’t been my best.

“Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10: 42)

 

Day seventy three; Simplifying desires for the future

 

 

Ah, Simplicity!

Day three of this and I feel like I’m floating!

I’ve stopped thinking about anything at all, I deal moment by moment – it’s scarey!

It feels REALLY good but honestly it’s like being in some fantasy land and there’s a little anxiousness about what happens when I wake up!

So nothing really today – I’m enjoying the freedom from stress – I’m loving the one hundred day journey, I am so surprised at how the world changes depending on what I’m focused on.

Right.

What’s on TV?

Or maybe I’ll go to the mall.

Or do some gardening.

Or…..

 

 “Blessed be the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of God.” (Matthew 5:3)

Picture:   tragicallyhipstamatic.wordpress.com

 

Day seventy two; Simplifying possessions to make room for love

 

 

I was without a vehicle again today.

And at around 10am, the electricity went off.

I haven’t been in as bad a mood as I was yesterday, but I was on the net on my phone almost the whole day.

I have two books that I keep starting, intending to finish some day.

 

I am dependent on having certain things in my life;

 

Television

Internet

A car

Someone to cook for me

Someone to wash my cloths.

 

Missing any of these sends me into instant turmoil.

 

If I had a lot of money, what would I do?

 

Get some kitchen appliances – hell, do up the house!

Get a new car.

Get a couple of new phones.

Get a new computer.

Pay off all mine and Simon’s debts.

Buy something substantial for each member of the family.

 

That would be enough.

 

Would it?

If I had more money, would I then need something else?

Just this, or that other thing?

 

What keeps me from doing what I want to do now?

 

Pride has alot to do with it. I need my car. I need my phones. Cannot appear in public without those.

Can I move DOWN from what I am accustomed to, and still feel that life is good, that it’s worth living?

 

I want a new life for myself, a re-newed sense of purpose.

I am looking for a reason to live that inspires me again.

 

How shall I measure my life?

 

I have the feeling that, behind my back, mountains are moving.

 

“Is not this the fast that I choose…Is it not to share your bread with the hungry?” ( Isaiah 58:7)

 

 

 

Day seventy one; Simplicity in life

 

 

I was in a bad mood yesterday, inexplicably.

I had decided, at the beginning of the day, that I would not access the internet via my phone for the day.

I don’t know why.

I failed within the hour.

I took my car in for repairs and so was without transport the whole day.

I walked alot – and I enjoyed it!

However, by the end of the day, without the car, I was frustrated and jumpy and shouted at the mechanics about not having it ready.

I took up being off the internet from about 6pm to see if I could make a whole night without…and almost made it.

Simon’s sister came around last night and her cancer, which had been in remission, has returned.

It is ovarian cancer, same as my sisters, and I can see the same progression. She was diagnosed stage III ovarian.

I hadn’t realised it but I was in a foul mood from about 4pm.

No reason, but by 8pm it was a fully fledged black hole.

Simon’s sister is a devout Chritian, too devout almost!

She’s filled, filled, filled to the brim with all things Jesus, all things church, all things God.

I had a dream the other day where she was bathed in light and was being glorified for allowing God to work in, and through her life, for being the human being we are all called to be.

She believes a miracle will heal her.

I do not.

Having had such a powerful sense of peace the day before, I was suddenly restless – caught again in the ‘what if’s’ of my current situation.

What if the sale doesn;t go through, how will we live?

Anxious too about the state of my dreams.

I met a colleague of mine who is was doing very well, far, far, better than I, and it made me think about the state of my career, where I stand.

On simple living - I already lead a simple life.

I’m embarrased to even to mention what my daily expenditure.

However yesterday I was aware also, of the many others who live on far less, yet manage to do so with laughter.

Simple living.

What is it?

Lower expectations?

I’d like some more money please. Not a whole lot more…(well maybe a whole lot more!)…but really, just enough to live without having to constantly refer to whether I can afford it or not, constantly balance what I need, with what I can do without.

Having said that, I must acknowledge that my needs have always been met. I feel lack only in as far as I worry about my future and my families well being.

This week I am going to take a look at my life, and see if I can understand what is meant by simple living.

“Whoever loves money never has enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied.” (Ecclesiastes 5:10)

 

Day seventy; Debt, anxiety and real freedom.

 

 

Today I was in a daze of my own.

It’s raining here, heavily, there’s water everywhere, mud, rivulets, trickles, and the sound of it, the sound.

I’m feeling free and loved not by anyone in particular…not by God necessarily…nor by life.

I don’t know why I was born, or when I’ll die.

In my intellectual mind I do not know whether there is life after death, yet, I know precisely where I’m from, and where I’m going.

You see, I think.

And when I follow the simple idea that I have thought, I come to the conclusion that I have ALWAYS had thought…that everyone around me too, has always had thought…that I have existed, exist now, and will exist forever…as will you…and that when I die, ‘I’ will involve everyone that has ever lived, everyone that is alive now and everyone that is going to live in the future.

It invoves this thing called God also…further too, everything I have ever done, am doing now, and will contine to do in future.

 

I understood this all, whilst watching rain fall, watching a plane take to the sky, watching my boyfriend lounge on a bedouin couch.

 

I had been thinking about debt, and realising how all my anxiety begins with the notion of debt.

 

Do I owe anyone money? Do I owe anyone a phone-call? Do I owe apologies?

 

This week, I ran around and tried to clear all my debts.

 

Two are outstanding, in that they still play on my mind.

 

I don’t think I’ll clear them today, or tomorrow.

 

I don’t think I will EVER clear them.

 

These two debts were on my mind when suddenly I felt them cleared.

 

All I had to do was understand that this had been done outside of my own power, to determine that I would never hold debt like this agan, nor hold debt of its kind over anyone else.

I was not to kneel and weep.

It stunned me.

Debt is real, and it is evil, and it has power over life.

 

Only love can win.

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)